The Flamm

Somehow it all worked out

2012-01-28T12:51:00.000-06:00

Nerves are a wonderfully scary thing. Before the show last night, I was flippin out. I was worried about everything. I regretted the decision I made to start the show. It was crazy. I don't know who that person was, but shit was nuts. Once the show started it flew by. We were all pretty nervous the first showing and unfortunately, that came out in a couple of the sketches. But, by our 2nd show, you would've thought we were seasoned professionals. We were relaxed, laughing, dancing, and enjoying what we were doing. I'm glad we did 2 shows. The 2nd set of sketches went a bit better and were definitely more comfortable. We got a lot of laughs and the audience was really into it. After the show, everyone seemed genuinely happy and excited. It didn't seem like the normal lip-service of "oh yeah, great job." People were already talking about coming to the next one. It was really cool.

Next show will be even better because now we know the obstacles we face and we have that first experience under our belts. I'd say for our first show we knocked it out of the park. Of course it helped that we had not one, but two standing room only crowds. At least 120 people saw our show. That's pretty damn awesome. I met the owner of the coffeehouse and building for the first time and he was super excited and happy. Even talking about the next show himself. I also met some people who were looking for input on an improv movie that they were producing.

The entire experience was pretty surreal. It flew by. In fact, at one point, one of the actors was talking about "next time we do this sketch..." I'm like, "dude, we just did that... for the 2nd time. We aren't doing it again." He was in such a FLOW that he didn't remember doing the sketch. HA! Pretty incredible.

Of course it took me over 2 hours when I got home to fall asleep and get off the high I was on. Then, of course I wake up 5 hours later at 730 am, thinking about the show again. It's been awesome seeing the aftermath of the show though. A lot of people posting on facebook pictures and congratulations and the such. What a great feeling.

Want to see the scariest picture ever? It's from the show last night. I apologize ahead of time for any nightmares it causes. (if you wanna see more Like us on facebook at The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth or on Twitter @LastSketchShow)

Tomorrow I will do something I've always loved

2012-01-26T23:18:00.002-06:00

I grew up watching Saturday Night Live. I still love the show. I hate when I hear people say "they're not as good as (insert era you grew up in here)'s season, when x, y, and z was on the show." This season has been one of the best ever in my opinion. I also grew up watching In Living Color. That was probably THE most racist show since Color TV was created. But, I loved it. I love sketch comedy. I love Monty Python as well. Well, tomorrow, I will be putting on my 1st ever sketch comedy show. I am the producer, assistant director, writer, actor, and everything in between of this show. It was an idea I had back in September and now it's going to happen.

Of course, I've been fortunate along the way. But, for the most important part of it, namely an amazing crew of people working with me, I worked very hard for. I opened myself up to people from the get go. I got to know them personally. When I enjoyed their work, I told them so. I let them in my life. In turn, when I spoke of a crazy idea to start a comedy show, people who knew me were willing to try it out. These are the most talented and creative people I have ever been around. In just a few months we have become like family and we thoroughly enjoy the time we spend together (okay, maybe NOT like family).

I had no idea this show would actually ever happen. I had no idea how many people would be interested in doing it and seeing it. We have had such a demand to see our show that we had to have 2 bookings on the same night! We officially have over 100 people RSVPed to see it. That's amazing! All because I was willing to DO it. I sent out invites. I told people of my vision. They showed up. They expressed their ideas and I loved them. It all started with doing. That's why I said I wanted 2012 to be the year of me DOING.

This is an awesome time in my life right now.

Ready to move on

2012-01-24T09:50:00.001-06:00

I plan on spending most of the day today, looking for a new job. I think my job, for me, has run it's course. Before, I wanted a job that I could move up in and feel like I was important. I did that. Now, in my job I'm to a point where I don't want to move up any more and I even want less responsibility. Having other things in my life, that are more important to me, like comedy, has given me purpose. I don't need my job to fill that gap anymore. Now, I'd rather have the extra time I have to spend at my job doing other things. Such as actually losing weight or be home a little more or focus on comedy even a bit more. The money isn't that great and I have confidence now, mainly due to what I have experienced over the last year that I can get a better job. It's almost four years into when I started doing this job and I don't regret it. I just think it's over for me there. I've gained a lot of experience, which was another reason I took this job. I wanted the management experience and now I have it.

I hope to get some call backs today from some resumes I send out. It doesn't have to be rushed though.

The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth

2012-01-19T23:59:00.004-06:00

The Last Sketch Comedy show on Earth is the sketch show that I am producing and will be having it's first ever show on January 27th at the Broadway Bean in South City St. Louis!

We are dedicated to providing laughter to everyone during their last year on Earth.

Follow us on Twitter @lastsketchshow

or Like us on Facebook at The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth

Back From Vacation and stuck working... ALOT

2012-01-19T08:04:00.001-06:00

So, it's been non stop work since I've gotten back from my vacation. In fact, even though I was back in St. Louis, I had one last day left of it and had to give it up because my main assistant manager is sick again. The frustrating part about him being sick is that he said it's from stress. He's in and out of the doctors and they decided to send him to a shrink and give him medicine to relieve stress. As of yesterday he was supposed to be back to work today, but instead he called me last night and said he's going back into the hospital. So, I don't know when he'll be available. In the meantime, I'm stuck doing things like going in at 830 am to do school lunch pizzas for 3 hours then coming back at 5 and finishing the night from 5-midnight, close. Then waking up and opening the store again the next morning.

2012 has been a good year so far, except for the amount I've had to ACTUALLY work. This is getting really hard to continue.

Going on Vacation

2012-01-06T09:26:00.000-06:00

Well, I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like I'll be able to take the vacation I've been wanting to take next week. Its the Sketch Comedy Festival in Chicago next week. So, I'm going to go and take in as much sketch comedy and improv as I can handle. I'm leaving early Wednesday and coming back even earlier on Sunday. It should be a blast and I doubt I'll sleep much. One of the main reasons I'm going is to learn from the sketch show. My sketch show "The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth" starts on January 27th and I thought it would be great to get some first hand experience watching others successfully put on shows.

Of course seeing improv shows too is only the natural thing to do. It'll be my first chance to see some shows I've been wanting to see in person.

Obviously, it'll also be great to get away from work for that many days. Hopefully, I'll come back a little rejuvenated. It's been since two summers ago, that I took an actual vacation.

Bummer

2012-01-03T16:07:00.000-06:00

So, when I said I didn't want to stop working in 2012... I didn't mean my actual job. My assistant manager has an upper respiratory infection and has missed the last few days. So far in 2012, there have been 5 shifts at my work and I've worked 4 of them including closing till midnight on Sunday, going in at 10am on Monday and working 14 hours till midnight again, only to wake up this morning and go in at 8:30 for school lunch pizzas. I got to leave at 11:30, but may have to go back in at 5pm and close til midnight again if my other assistant cant find a babysitter. I open tomorrow too. I want a job where this is okay for me to do and even where I can feel GOOD about putting in that much work. That's all I ask. I'm okay with it if it's worth it. This is NOT worth it.

Heard a great Will Smith quote today, "Being "Realistic" is the most traveled road to mediocrity."

I hope I'm never realistic.

Resolutions for 2012

2012-01-01T11:30:00.001-06:00

I wasn't going to do this, but I know that if I don't I'll regret it. I'm a sucker for shit like this.

Eff my current job. At some point in 2012, I want and need to have a job where I get to be creative and not do the same stuff day in and day out. I'm becoming one of those people that hates "The Man" and corporations. I would rather bust my ass for a cause or something meaningful to me. I will never mind working hard if it's doing something that I believe in. So, goal one in '12 is to find a job like that. That doesn't mean find a job that I plan on having for forty years, because frankly I don't believe that really exists anymore. Plus, I know how I am and in 2-3 years I'll hate that job too. I'm just the type of person that needs something new every once in awhile. Plus, like I said in the previous post, I want to find a way to supplement my income through comedy and teaching.

Go to school each semester. So far so good with this one. I'm signed up for the Spring and before I realize it, school will be over with for me and I'll feel better about my life even if it ultimately leads to nothing. Funny how we are hardwired from an early age to believe in school so much, yet we have a terrible education system.

Do lots of my own projects. The Sketch Comedy show is my thing. I am the one starting this project and I would like to start many projects like it throughout the year. I want to become "The guy who gets shit done" around the improv community. Lots of people make plans or have ideas, I want to get shit done. I don't want to ever stop working. Jay-Z calls it hustling. I want to be hustling all year. All year I read books, saw movies, and listened to people tell me that the key to success is to never stop working. More importantly, to never stop working on what you love. Those that go past where others might stop are the ones that are at the top of their fields. It's not a mistake, it's not luck, and it's not "talent" it's hard work and hustle.

For me, 2012 needs to be the year of the hustle.

Losing weight is forever on this list. It is again. I turn 30 this year. I can't think of a better way to celebrate it then to be 100 pounds lighter. Daunting... yes. I have 9 months and 14 days to do so, before I turn 30. It can be done. I need to find whatever has worked for me in the past and what I believe will work for me now and just do it. Working and hustling applies to weight loss as well. Just keep going. It all starts and almost ends with food intake. I eat bad shit when I get lazy. If I don't get lazy, I wont eat bad shit. Exercise is obviously important as well, but mostly it's the food.

I look forward to this year a lot. I couldn't have imagined how well this past year was going to be. I feel like I just started living my life in 2011.

Happiness New year.

Year in Review, 2011

2011-12-31T08:54:00.000-06:00

It's going to be hard to remember everything that happened this year, because so much did. But here I go:

-I got a really good raise at work
-I set 3 new record sales weeks at work
-I got my first 5 star OER visit at work
-I discovered improv and it has completely changed my life
-I did NOT lose any weight - which is sad.
-I am co hosting a Podcast
-I am writing an improv blog pretty frequently that other people seem to check out
-I have gained a lot of confidence in myself and other people think I am funny.
-I am a part of a sketch comedy writing team and as others have put it "that fucking rules"
-I am a producer (or at least will officially be on January 27th) of a sketch comedy show
-I am an instructor at the Improv Trick
-I completed 3 college classes and am enrolled for the Spring
-I moved to South County and a really good apartment in a really nice neighborhood
-My car survived (knock on wood, 1 day left)
-I watched VERY little TV - always a plus for productivity
-I got to perform on stage a decent amount of time
-I have a shit ton more friends than I've ever had in my life
-I read a lot of books, especially non-fiction and learned a lot of new things that I really enjoy.

Most of all, I will remember 2011 as just a year full of passion and love. Meeting new people is great. Meeting new people that are passionate about what they do, are honest, and are full of love is priceless. I act differently around my friends then I do even my family. I think it's because they are so much more open to each other and instead of everyone being terrified about looking or acting stupid, they go for it. They know they will be supported. I've never experienced a circle like my improv friends. They are truly amazing people and I hope this is the beginning of a very long relationship with them.

Improv also grew a lot this year and I feel very fortunate to have caught the wave when I did. I think 2012 is going to be amazing and if it is the last year on Earth then I think it will go out with a bang. If not, it will be awesome to treat it like it might be and really go for everything I want to go for in life. Life isn't about working. It's about spending it with people you enjoy being with and also it's about finding what you love and really pursuing it. I love Improv. I really feel as though it's my calling in life. What that means, I don't know. Improv on it's own isn't much of a way to live, besides teaching and coaching, but there are a lot of things THROUGH improv that you can find that are just as creative and can actually pay some bills. My main goal for 2012 is to be able to supplement or replace my income with a creative performance outlet such as sketch comedy, acting, improv, or whatever. It's hard to imagine that, but this time last year, I didn't even know improv existed and look what's come of that.

Here's to new adventures in 2012! Happy New Year!

Work, lately.

2011-12-28T20:32:00.000-06:00

Over the past couple of months I've lost 4 employees. One had an affair with one of my assistant managers and left town when things got serious. One quit for another job. Another one got fired for stealing money and now I have one leaving this Sunday to pursue his musical dreams in California. Also, we haven't had a chance to replace any of them. So, needless to say things are quite stressful. We are understaffed and it's starting to wear me out a bit. Today was especially rough. It doesn't bother me to be busy. What bugs me about my job is that I sit on my ass for hours on end or I get up for a few minutes to make a few orders then BAM! all hell breaks loose and we go from 0-100 in a manner of minutes. It's ridiculous. It drives me nuts. Everyday I wish I had a job I could just consistently work at from beginning to end. Having a job with a purpose would be nice too. I make pizzas. I have to deal with idiots on the phones constantly asking stupid questions or acting like they are the most important person in the world. It's frustrating. I feel so stuck in this job.

At this time last year I was thinking about how I could improve at my job and get a promotion and blah blah blah. This year, I couldn't care less. I'm ready for a change. Unfortunately, though I'm probably not going anywhere anytime soon.

Being around creative people is a really great life

2011-12-19T23:58:00.000-06:00

For the first time in my life I have a group of friends that I truly feel connected to and I feel like it's been a part of my life, I've been missing for a long time. Being around creative people is amazing. Most of them are so positive about life and they get inspired as well as inspire others, especially me. It's like a drug. It's such an uplifting moment to walk in a room and talk to people who are passionate about what they do and they just have fun doing it. None of us get paid to do it (yet!) but oftentimes those that talk about what they get paid to do are unhappy. Truly there is much more to life than money. I've had two meetings with the sketch writing team and I've loved it. They've loved it. Everyone is stoked. Everyone feels like they are doing something special and are truly excited about this opportunity. Some will look and say it's stupid or it's nothing, but not to us. It's important and special and something each one of us has probably wanted to do since we were young. So, now that we are all adults and can appreciate the fact that life hasn't given us this opportunity until now, we all appreciate it that much more. We are writers for a sketch comedy show. We are creative people. We are passionate people who share a focus and a purpose. There are few things better. I suggest it for everyone. Find people who share your passions. Feed off of them. It's the best part of everything I've been able to do this year. Meeting more and more like minded people who just want to share this great ride with you. Love it.

Insecurity sucks

2011-12-14T15:28:00.001-06:00

"I'll never be good enough."
"I'm not funny."
"I waste my time doing anything besides what pays the bills. "

Bullshit and lies. What's not a lie? EVERYONE suffers from some insecurities. Yet, there are people out there who find a way to get past themselves and do what they want to do in life. People love them. Reading and listening to interviews of people you would think would be proud of what they've done and not worry at all about their lives and success, you realize very quickly, that they are a lot like you and I. They second guess themselves. They are embarrassed by compliments. They think they suck. They can't understand why anyone would want to pay attention to them.

So, how did they become successful? What kept them going?

They just kept doing what they loved to do and didn't let themselves rest.

If success is determined by how much effort you put into something, so that you become great at it, why not put that effort into something you actually love.

I crunched some numbers the other day. I've worked over 3000 hours at my job this year. I've spent about 4-500 hours on improv. The imbalance of that is retarded and it's a shame that it has to be that way. I don't like my job. I love improv and comedy. My goal for next year is to get those two numbers closer together.

The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth

2011-12-13T09:48:00.000-06:00

On Sunday, I met with writers for a new sketch comedy show. My expectations were surpassed because I only expected 3-4 people to show up and instead 9 of us met! That was awesome. It's just great for me to see so many other people as excited as I am about doing this project. None of us have a lot of experience with this, so we will be learning on the fly and honestly, that's exciting to me. You can plan all you want, but until you start doing, you are never going to learn. We decided on a title for our show; The Last Sketch Comedy Show on Earth. Our first performance is January 27th, 2012. With so many writers, this really gives me the chance to be the producer of the show and not have to do so much in the writing aspect of it. I can worry about putting together an awesome show and making sure that audiences are understanding what it is they are watching.

More information to come.

Had to fire someone

2011-12-10T09:02:00.001-06:00

It's never really fun to fire someone at work. Other people get excited about it when they find out it's happening, but having to be the person doing it, is almost always difficult. Yesterday, I had to fire an employee who had been there for about a year, year and a half. It was on the suspicion of theft. Basically, a report was given to me last week that identifies people who are suspected of stealing from the store. In this case, the person would take the order over the phone, place the order, then after a few minutes go back in and change the amount in the POS system to half of what it was. Then when he would take the delivery he would charge the unknowing customer full price and simply pocket the rest of the money. Since according to the system we were getting the amount it said we should, we didn't know what was going on. BUT, this is not an original scam by any means and the higher ups have a built in system to detect stuff like this. Over a three week span the guy appears to have stolen @$170. Not a lot of money if you ask me, when you are risking a job that pays you 4-500$ a week. Pretty stupid in fact. So, this week I had to ask him what exactly those edits were in the computer. If his answer didn't make sense then he was fired. Oddly enough he's been acting strange for most of the week. It could be due to the fact that I had to take away his privileges in the computer, without him knowing and perhaps he tried to do it again and couldn't. But, even if he knew something was up, he managed to come in late almost everyday to work and even left early one day. He certainly wasn't trying very hard to keep his job, if in fact, he knew something was up.

Usually when I fire someone it's because of poor work habits. This was the first time I've fired someone with proof of theft. He wasn't very happy about it, but honestly, he never got that upset either. I just know if it were me and I was being accused of theft and hadn't done it, I would be irate. He never got there. He just kept denying what had happened and said it must've been something else. There were other factors involved that pointed to theft as well. He was constantly having money issues. In fact, a few times I had loaned him money myself. Every single order was a cash order, so he could easily pocket it. Every single order he was the order taker as well as the delivery person. Plus, all but one order, I was not the manager on duty that day. So, that's that, I had to fire another one. Only once has it been "easy." I'm already 2 drivers short and now I'll be a third, so I'm not looking forward to that.

Other than that a pretty busy couple of weeks. Lots of improv and shows and parties and school work. This semester is basically over for me and it looks like I'll ace both of my classes. I just paid for 2 classes in the Spring, so I'm still going! That's going to be a huge key for me; just keep moving forward with school.

The TrickCast, an improv podcast from St. Louis

2011-12-06T22:35:00.001-06:00

Today the third episode was released. If you haven't checked it out yet, I'm in a podcast. I'm co-hosting with my friend David Strugar. It's called the TrickCast. It's a lot of fun and explores improv in St. Louis.

http://thetrickcast.libsyn.com/webpage
Find it there.

Or just search on Itunes.com for it. I'd love if you rated it for us!

Hope you enjoy

Feeling a little down today

2011-12-03T09:35:00.001-06:00

It's been a bit, but today I don't feel so great. I'm sure in a few hours I'll be okay. I usually don't stay down for too long. I know where that path leads. But, for some reason today, I'm just not feeling too great. Maybe it's a lack of sleep or maybe I don't have enough Niacin or other vitamins in my body. I decided to turn on some music this morning for the first time in awhile. I know that listening to music helps lift up moods.

Had a short form show yesterday with the Improv Trick. I didn't really do much. It was a fun show, mainly because other people were very good and funny. I left the show feeling like I still have a long ways to go to become a headliner at a short form show. I focus mostly on Long Form and short form is a little bit different. I like being patient and real in long form where as short form is almost more about gimmicks, quickness of wit, and quick characters. Being around it more, I'm starting to notice that the people who are good at short form seem to have a few characters that they keep in their back pockets and pull out when they need to. I don't have that. I guess part of me didn't understand to do that. I think in Long Form there's more developing characters throughout a piece or set. In Short form, you've only got a few minutes so you better have that character already there for you. So, I guess I need to start working on my characters. I know I'm not physical enough yet. That's definitely something I need to work on. I have a long form show on Monday with my 2 man troupe Slow Death Cheer, so right now I'm just working on that. After that show maybe I can begin to focus on other parts of my short form game. We are working on developing characters in rehearsal for that, so switching to developing characters for short form shouldn't be much of a stretch and should naturally transition.

Still planning my show in January. I've gone through about a half dozen different formats in my head for it. We did pick a date, January 13th, to start the show. Next step is format then casting to find out who is available. I'm really pumped about running my own show. I just want it to be a really good show. I can't imagine accepting anything less.

School has been going well. I seem to be in line for As in both classes. They both basically have 1 week left. I have an essay due in one and a speech due in the other. So far so good with school. I enrolled in two classes for the Spring semester and both are online, so that I don't have to actually go to campus. I figure between running a show, teaching improv classes, and going to shows and classes myself, I don't really have time and I don't want to be constricted to having to have Wednesdays off every week.

Work is lame. I can't wait to get out of the food business. Dealing with customers sucks and it bothers me more and more everyday. Had a lady last night who was complaining about her cheezy bread and we just switched over our regular cheezy bread for Stuffed Cheezy bread and she called to complain that it was Dough-y. I apologized and told her it's a new product and we are doing our best to work out the kinks and such and she goes "New? I've been getting this for years!" I just started laughing. I said no, this is stuffed cheezy bread, it has cheese in the middle of it. She's like "stuffed? Oh... I mean, maybe it's cheese. It looks like dough though." "well, we'll send you a new one and you can compare."

I'm just annoyed with everything at work lately.

Running my own show

2011-11-30T10:21:00.001-06:00

Starting in January, I will be running my own Comedy Show! It's pretty amazing how much is going on right now. The initial plan is for it to be sketch and long form improv, with a little short form thrown in the mix. Ultimately, I just want it to be a really good quality show and I hope to help improv in St. Louis grow.

It's an awesome opportunity because there really isn't much like it in St. Louis right now. Hopefully, that's because people haven't been dedicated enough to see it through as opposed to it simply not being able to work in St. Louis. I really feel a passion for helping this grow in our community. I think about it constantly and it's always as a whole as opposed to just ME getting stage time. Of course, I want stage time too, but ultimately, the more venues and outlets we have as a group the better we will all be. So, I feel like by doing this, I am doing my part to help and I hope that I am able to maintain the enthusiasm I have right now for a long time. I don't think I've ever had the passion for something that I have for this. Poker was a big part of my life and I really delved into that, but the purpose was never there. I feel like this gives me purpose and a reason to do it.

Maybe it's because I've always loved comedy. Maybe it's because of the awesome people I've been fortunate enough to make friends with. Maybe it's just that it's as close to being a Lost Boy (from Peter Pan, not the Corey Feldman movie) I'll ever get to be. Regardless of the reason, I feel it and it's real.

I love too, that I can have this opportunity to run my own show. That's amazing! There aren't too many things you can just start up like this. It's all about friends and people who share a passion. Even the person who runs the coffe shop that we will be performing next to is doing it because she wants the neighborhood to grow artistically. There is just this sense of purpose I've never felt before.

It's nice to have something to finally put myself fully into and feel like I can make a difference with.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T10:54:00.001-06:00

Happy thanksgiving everyone! I've got a lot to be thankful for this year. Finding improv has been an amazing thing for me and the friendships I've developed have been outstanding. I don't know what this year would've been like if I hadn't accidentally found improv in early January. I mean, maybe, I would've lost some weight at some point this year, but more than likely I'd be sitting here very unhappy about my life and wondering what my purpose was. I feel like improv is my purpose in life now. It's great.

I am thankful for all the cool stuff that seems to be coming together and happening around the corner. I am thankful for my wife and her back surgery going well this year. Also, kicking her addiction to painkillers has really improved our relationship. I got a raise at work this year and while that alone isn't enough to make me love my job, it has made it more tolerable.

We have had a pretty good fiscal year and so far at least our car is still kicking. It's 10 years old and has 230,xxx miles on it and still providing us a way to get around. Best Chevy Cavalier ever!

I'm thankful for health. I haven't had any issues all year and that's always nice. My wife is also doing better than she has in a while and her doctor seems to be happier each visit.

We moved to South County this year and we love our new apartment and neighborhood. It's been a long struggle to get where we wanted to live. We were living in north county just a few years ago, and things were looking very bleak. It's easier to focus on things like purpose and your social life when you don't have to worry about things such as paying bills or living in a dangerous neighborhood.

Again, I'm thankful for all the friendships I've developed this year. My circle of friends has grown so much and I truly appreciate each of them.

So, Happy Thanksgiving all! I hope your year has been as good or better than mine! (happy thanksgiving Leo!)

What a show

2011-11-23T09:19:00.001-06:00

Last night, I probably had my best or at least most successful show to date. I performed with one of my two man troupes, Fram-a-Flamm and we had such a fun time. Of course, it wasn't a perfect set, that doesn't exist (much like a perfect poker session, doesn't exist) but we got a great response from the audience, which is rare for a Lemmons show and a lot of compliments afterward. It's why we do what we do and it felt really good to have a good set. Sorry for the ambiguity of me just saying the same thing over and over, it's just hard to explain why it was so much fun and good without nerd-ing out completely on improv talk. Basically, we just did a lot more things right than we did wrong and that led to us being in the moment and entertaining the good folks who stuck around to see it.

On a personal level, it was fun because there were people in the audience who don't get to see me perform very often or have only seen me a few times and it's always great when people can see you have success. Unless you are one of the few who gets to regularly perform it's hard to gauge how good a performer is based upon any 1 or 2 performances. So, human nature sets in and tells us that if we see someone suck, they suck. Especially if we only see them once or twice. So, hopefully I earned some improv street cred last night and anyone who may have seen me suck, will change their opinion about me. Kind of ego driven to think of that that way, but I think it's fair and true. The nature of the improv beast is that we do our best work, often in practice and classes. Well, the only ones who will see you do that are people in your practice or your class. Anyways, enough about that. Good performance, hopefully many more to come.

On another note, things are really exciting because I just formed a relationship with someone who owns a venue that wants to host a comedy/sketch/improv night and it's completely my gig. I will call upon the help of one of my good friends and the other member of Slow Death Cheer (my other two man troupe). But, basically, it's not going to be associated with either of the two schools and I'm hoping it bridges a gap between those schools a bit. Ultimately, it's a new venue in a new part of town and it will help build improv in St. Louis. For that I am really happy and I look forward to managing and directing this new show. The plan is to make it a long form and/or sketch show. I'd love to do something along the lines of what Second City does with their touring company where they have improv and sketch together. They even throw in some short form games with it. I think at first we will be more improv heavy because that is what we have the most experience in, but once others realize the outlet they now have, sketch will not be long to follow.

Improvisation has really grown in St. Louis this year and I hope that it continues. This truly is my passion and my calling in life. I love it so much.

I am an improv teacher!

2011-11-17T00:40:00.001-06:00

Tonight I went to my first meeting at the Improv Trick and was introduced as one of the new improv teachers at IT. Well, I guess I'm not OFFICIAL until I go through my few weeks of shadowing first, but basically, I am. It's pretty neat. I am anxious to get started and really develop my own philosophy and voice in the improv world. I've been doing a lot lately with improv. Whether it's classes, listening to podcasts, hosting a podcast, or performing I have completely enveloped myself into the improv world. You would be hard pressed to find a bigger improv nerd in St. Louis than me. I just love it so much and I can't imagine what my life or my year would've been without it this year.

It all started on accident back in January. It's so funny. Now, it's my obsession and I hope it continues to be. I really want to go to Chicago and spend some time in the improv world there. Even going to New York would be amazing. Perhaps next year I can plan a trip. The only thing I'd be worried about is if I came back.

Teaching short form isn't exactly what I want to teach, but it's a start. I mean really it's all improv. Ideally, what I hope happens, is that I can help develop the long form program at IT. They plan on beginning it next year. I'll definitely be putting my nose into that program and trying my best to get in on it. Till then though, I have time to really narrow down what I want my focus to be on in improv.

I don't know if technically, I'm ready to be a teacher, but like most things you just kind of have to do and let it happen. I know I'll be a great teacher and hopefully I will inspire others to participate in this amazing art form. I can't wait to start!

Sunday Stew

2011-11-06T14:18:00.002-06:00

The worst thing about great weekends is how quickly they go by. This weekend started off with 2 improv shows on Friday, one that I got to perform in. On Saturday, I had a workshop with a member of the Improvised Shakespeare Company, then got to go to the show that evening at the Touhill performing Arts center, which was AMAZING. Saturday ended with a game show night at my friends house that was truly a fun experience and more time spent with good friends. Today I start Level 4 improv class through the Improv Shop. Tomorrow I'll be performing with my class our first public Harold (the most popular form in Long form Improv) and then Tuesday ends with Lemmons where I'll be performing with Slow Death Cheer and maybe recording more podcast episodes.

On my improv blog I posted all the workshop and show stuff and I'll continue to do so for the remainder of what I'm calling my "epic 5 day improvaganza weekend" - even though it extends past the weekend. Truly a wonderful week for me.

Other things going on, my store set a record week in sales last week. The Cardinals epic championship run helped us get to 14,000$ for the first time in the store's history... as far as I know anyways. School is going well. I am getting an A in both classes and I haven't quite signed up for next semester yet, because I've decided to switch my major to Communications and I'm not sure the requirements yet. I should leave for school early this week and talk to the counselor about it. I really hope I can take 3 classes next semester.

I'm also considering taking a computer class, even though it probably wouldn't help me in my major. The more I think about it, the more I want to just get a job in that field so that I can make the same money I do now with less hours. The problem I think lies in that I wont have an experienced resume like others will, but hopefully my managerial experience will help me. It's hard to convince someone that you'll figure it out. Even though, I fully believe I could just do that.

I'm doing terrible in Fantasy football this year. I just dropped to like 8th place in overall standings. i don't think I've ever been that low. I usually end up in top 5 every year. Still a few weeks left. I think if I do bad this week, I'll be looking to pack it in for next season and try to get me some good keeper players for the keeper league. We'll see.

I was pretty stoked yesterday during the workshop. The teacher of it mentioned my blog post about David Koechner on my improv blog a few times and told me he thought it was a great post. I'm getting a decent number (relatively of course) of people checking out my blog each time I post now. That's pretty cool. Between the podcast, blog, and actually doing improv, I get a lot of exposure and hopefully, that leads to a great foundation of being known as an improviser/performer in the St. Louis Community. Someday, maybe I'll be considered an authority on Improv in St. Louis.

I would really like to get past improv as well. I want to act more and more that I think about it. I just have no idea how to go about doing such. Is it really just a matter of going to auditions and readings? Probably. Maybe if we were in a bigger city that had big theater companies or big acting classes it would be more about getting in there. I imagine at some point, even in St. Louis it's who you know. But, just like I've met everyone through improv, acting has it's own community that I'd have to become a part of. I don't ever want it to overtake improv, but I certainly want it to expand into more than just improvisation. Performing is so much fun, in any respect.

Not a whole lot else going on. That's probably enough.

Constant thinking and ideas and pondering

2011-10-30T15:47:00.001-05:00

If continuously pondering, thinking, and idealizing (I have no idea if that's a word) is a sickness, then I have it. Daily I just come up with ideas and I'm constantly thinking of how I can improve my mind and my life. The same maxims go on in my head; just do something!, get better everyday at something, be productive, it takes 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to master something... the only problem is that it's still "something" instead of a truly specific focus. I want it to be improv. I really do. But, I constantly wonder about the opportunities that are actually available. If I were in Chicago or New York I would have more opportunity. But, unless my wife gets a case of "willing to accept a gigantic change" moving to one of those cities is NOT going to happen. I don't necessarily even know if I want to move myself. I'm just saying those places have opportunity that St. Louis doesn't. That's unfortunate. All I can hope is that I can be a part of a community that helps to bring that opportunity TO St. Louis. It's just hard to imagine, I guess. So, yeah, I'm thinking all these things and then at the same time I'm telling myself how unliekly it is. UGH!

I'm pretty sure I drive everyone nuts. I drive myself nuts. If I'm crazy it's in this area. I feel like everyday I'm closer though. At some point, I'm either going to break or I'm going to break through. I've been reading "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell and it basically talks about how every great person or persons (Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, the Beatles, etc) worked 10,000 hours before they became great and most of the time they were able to do those 10,000 hours because of the great opportunity they had. In the case of the Beatles, there was a strip club in Hamburg that would hire bands to perform for 8 hours a day. Eight hours a day! and the Beatles were willing to do it for weeks at a time. This forced them to learn every song on the radio, develop their own sound, and get thousands of hours of performance time. So, when they moved back to Liverpool it didn't take long for others to realize how talented they were. This is an area that's not talked about. People get so caught up in the romance of TALENT or "being born with rare ability" and yet that is not the most important factor of any successful person. The most important aspect is deliberate practice and focus on improving in their area of choice and simply putting in the TIME that it takes to become masters.

To me, that's encouraging. I need to turn my "something" into, well, something specific.

Holy Crap! What a game

2011-10-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

By far, the greatest ending to a game I have ever seen in my life. Game 6 of the WS, is what I'm referring to, of course. Cardinals down by two, multiple times, come back each time to win the game! HOLY SHIT!

Seriously, the greatest and most exciting baseball season I've ever seen. Wow. This is better than going undefeated. Nailbiting drama that you couldn't script.

wow.

Now, I'm supposed to go to sleep?

Ugh

2011-10-25T08:20:00.002-05:00

I jinxed the Cardinals. They are down 3-2 now.

Dammit.

In other news Ryan Carter (of Poker Dynasty) won a bracelet in the WSOP Circuit event in Chicago. 1st prize was like 14k I think, but obviously he cares mostly about the Ring. Congratulations RYAN! I don't see him much since he moved to Canada, glad to hear he is doing well.

Also, I will have my 2nd performance tonite with my troupe Slow Death Cheer. Very much looking forward to how we do tonite. Word on the street is that it may just be the last time Improv Trick is invited to perform at Lemmons. They have been costing the place more money then they are making and they've worn out their welcome. I'm not really surprised or disappointed, I think it was inevitable with the quality (well, lack of quality) of performances that have been going on for this entire year. The good shows are few and far between. Hopefully, we find a new venue and we get a fresh new start.

The Cardinals!

2011-10-23T11:50:00.000-05:00

Up 2 to 1 on the World Series! WOOT!

Crank dat!

that is all.

I cut my hair

2011-10-21T08:48:00.000-05:00

It's been 2 years since it's been this short. All of my improv friends only know me with long hair, so this will come as quite a shocker to them, I imagine. (or they'll all tell me how they hated my long hair to begin with... funny how that happens)

I cut it because 1. I felt it was time 2. my wife made fun of my last haircut calling it a "bad girls haircut." 3. David Koechner told me to 4. whatever is best for the stage. Shit, maybe if Koechner had told me to lose 100 pounds, I would do that too. Maybe I can get his phone number. ha!

Workshop with David Koechner!

2011-10-16T10:41:00.001-05:00

Around 10:30 pm Friday night, I logged onto Facebook. I was immediately drawn to a post by the Owner/Head Teacher of the Improv Shop, Kevin McKernan, that read "Improv Shop students read your email ASAP." So, I clicked my Firefox browser to add a new tab and then clicked my home link that sends me to my yahoo email. Before I could type in my user info though, I noticed that two people had sent me messages on Facebook Chat. "Have you checked your email yet?" One of them said. "I was about to." Then I noticed the other message was from Kevin, "Have you checked your email yet?" "Jesus" I thought, so I entered my user name information and password. Clicked on my email and read it. I immediately went back to the message from Kevin and responded with "Omifuckinggod." To which he just laughed (haha).

It was an email telling Improv shop students that David Koechner (SNL, Anchorman, Talledaga Nights, Improv genius) was in town and last minute agreed to do a workshop through the Shop on Saturday, if we could get enough interest. Are you kidding me? I was scheduled to work on Saturday, so I made a phone call to my assistant manager and got off for the day. "I'm in", I told Kevin and my other friend who was also "in."

So, on Saturday, a group of 24 improv students had a masterclass of improv with David Koechner for three hours. It was awesome, frustrating, exhilarating , exhausting, and inspiring all in one. It didn't start on a great note. He ended up being about an hour and a half - two hours late. Traffic was horrendous and parts of the highway from Ill to MO was shut down. No big deal. The only thing most of us probably thought was that he would cut our time short, since he was due to perform that evening. That would prove not to be the case however, because we got our three hours and maybe even a little more. We got the feeling, after all was said and done that David would've stayed there all night.

I wasn't sure what to expect with David. His characters are usually very brash and bigger than life itself. But, he was NOT Todd Packer. He was emotionally involved, constructively critical, caring, organized, and most of all inspirational. He had a unique point of view and wasn't afraid to explain it to us. He took his time explaining things and made sure that his point was coming across clear. He even did a Q&A at the end of the class with us. Which proved to be just as inspirational and informational as the previous 2 1/2 hours. Everyone got to perform a few scenes and everyone was pushed to their limit during their scene. He wanted greatness... out of us. I can't tell you how many times he said "this isn't criticism, this is for you to get better." It was hard. It really was. But, like the saying goes, "If it isn't hard, then you aren't learning." We all learned, alot, yesterday. Some of the best improvisers, in my opinion, even looked lost sometimes. So, with that said, here are my notes from yesterday. Funny enough, I had to take the notes after class, because in the first few minutes, he noticed someone with a notebook and chastised them saying "Don't take notes. This doesn't mean shit. Be here. Feel it. I took notes and they are worthless. Be here." So, I quietly placed my notebook on the floor. But, I really wanted to get down some of what was said. One for this blog and two because it was SOOO much information.

Here are my notes from yesterday:

-No Judgment and No Fear - David says to live our life like this. Do it in improv as well. If we are judging in a scene then we have failed our scene partner. In the Q&A section he was asked how to deal with people who do crazy shit in scenes. He said first of all, why are you judging your scene partner? Then explained that we should take that feeling that we have about that person and use it on stage. Either shield ourselves (emotionally or even quite physically) and go with that or think to yourself "Okay, crazy, what adventure are we going on today?" and then DO it. Match him. Support him. I thought that was neat and quite a different perspective on dealing with that familiar situation.

- When you get a suggestion, take an emotion from it. I've heard this before in the Rick Andrews' Workshop. It's just one of those things that's really easy to forget. But, take an emotion. No one actually cares about what is suggested. If it's a lamp, for GODSAKES don't talk about a lamp. What, emotionally, does a map do to your body? What does it mean to play a lamp? He used Del Close's teachings to tell us that we should instantly think of 3 things and use the most interesting. That is really hard, but something that can be worked on at home, any time, and even by yourself. Word association.

- Face the audience - they need to see you. This is obviously a no-brainer, but so many people would turn their asses to the audience and you better bet he mentioned it every time. He even told me that I should cut my hair, because the audience can't see my face.

- One line at a time and don't write while you are performing. Again, something I've heard before, but reminded of. Brick by brick. So many times yesterday, someone wanted to bring in something to a scene that wasn't there. They felt like they needed a back story and to define what the scene was about. The scene is about YOU and ME. Stop making it about something that's not there. And Jesus, stop talking so goddam much.

- LISTEN! he determined that our biggest problem as a whole was listening. Specifically, listening to what was just said and acknowledging that. If you feel something on stage about what was just said, act on it. Say it. I had a scene yesterday, where I thought something, but didn't say it, instead choosing to say something else. He stopped us and said exactly what I thought in the moment. I regret that. My body and brain told me what to say and I ignored it. Gotta learn to listen to your body and your partner.

- On building characters and how to practice acting, he mentioned again taking an object or an emotion and simply doing a monologue with or as that object or emotion. This can be done at home and on your own.

- Practice is the only way to get better. Get on stage, take classes, log your hours. He mentioned the book "Outliers" which is written by Malcolm Gladwell, that shows that it takes 10,000 hours to master anything. Talent, genius, natural ability, aren't as important as deliberate practice and putting in your time to become great at something. Get on stage. WORK. I knew this of course, but again, it's reiterated into me.

-Several times he mentioned that the stage and our school is OUR Temple. We are the preachers! Be excited. Be here! Treat it as your church. This speech got him a lot of cheers and hollers.

- David is a physical actor. He stopped a few scenes because people were just standing there. If you find yourself standing there, sink into your body. Find the tension or the focus and move into that. Make it your vessel and go for it. Several times he called it our Avatar or Archetype. If the focus is your pelvis, go into that. If it's anger, build it up.

- Remember that in everything -movies, plays, improv- we WANT something from our partner. We are after something. If the game of the scene is that you want your partner to admit to something, everything you do should be aimed at getting them to admit to that. Likewise, if you don't want to admit to something, your focus should be that you are NOT going to admit to it. It's not about resolution, it's about the game. Don't give in. Don't lose the scene. No Fear.

- Make the scene about your scene partner. It's not about an object or something on the outside. it's about pronouns; I, us, you, them, etc. It's about the relationship, always. Everything you say and do is part of the scene.

- the scene starts when you begin to enter the stage. The audience sees your emotions or what you do. DON"T miss it! Look at your partner to start the scene. What just happened? Because that's what the scene is. If you walk across the stage and ignore your partner then that is what the scene is. Don't meet in the middle THEN check in. Checking in happens the instant you step on stage. If you don't notice it, you missed it.

- Be deliberate with object work. Don't be sloppy and quick. Also, don't worry about your object work. It enhances a scene it's NOT the scene. Be real with it.

- If you touch someone in a scene, it instantly kills the scene. The only time you should be touching your partner is if you are either fighting or fucking.

- If it takes talking to yourself to build confidence or to not judge or to prepare you for the stage - DO IT! this is your temple. Walk into the place telling yourself that. Stand on the sideline telling yourself that you are confident.

- Don't creep on stage - unless it's a character choice. Get the fuck out there and start your scene. And stay in the light. Don't start at the back of the stage, don't collapse away from the audience. Stay in front of the audience and in the light. You are the star. Be there!

- Zip-Zap-Zop is worthless, according to Koechner. He explained that he felt like simply getting on stage and loosening your body tension - pumping blood into yourself- is a better exercise. He's not a fan of "Pass the energy or focus." I think his reasoning was that it's about feeling- Feeling the stage, feeling yourself.

- If you are ACTING something than you are acting it - it's NOT your actual feelings. STOP acting. Just do it. Be real. Don't SHOW an emotion, feel that emotion. The audience can see it. We can recognize feelings in the face.

- He was very big on Edits. Don't screw your scene partner by missing an edit. Once a scene gets that big laugh, they have no where to go but down. Don't fuck em over. Edit the scene. Koechner didn't say this, but Del Close used to "if it's a good scene it'll return." - On a side note, I'm starting to get a reputation as Edit Man. I have no fear with editing a scene. Unfortunately, for the Harold, this gets me in trouble sometimes, since the opening scene should be longer. But, I think I have a good feel for when a scene should end.

- The class ended, before the Q&A , with us doing a Meisner exercise. We had two people on stage, sitting next to each other with their eyes closed. The point was simply to repeat the first line over and over. Both taking turns to say it. The main point of the exercise was to understand that by the tone and influx of your voice you can determine what the scene is actually about and what feelings are present. Once you find it in a scene you go with it. The exercise was a little confusing at first, but once we did it a bit, it became a little more clear what we were going for. Find the emotions that the scene is really about and don't give up.

Overall, it was an amazing day and so much information to take in. Thank you Koechner and the Improv Shop

Slow Death Cheer Performance

2011-10-14T08:47:00.001-05:00

I'm a few days late on my post, but I wanted to talk about my troupe, Slow Death Cheer, and our first performance this past Tuesday. It's a two man troupe that focuses on Slow Comedy, which is something that St. Louis doesn't really have right now. There is a two person troupe, Melanj, that performs and does a damn good job, but it doesn't really feel like slow comedy. The two man I do with Fram-a-Flamm is not about slow comedy either. So, it is a new take on improv in St. Louis and we were both nervous about doing it and how it would come across. Plus, the fact that we were doing it at Lemmons, which is where comedy goes to die, worried us. We have had 3 rehearsals and had settled on a form for now, which is basically that we would slowly start a scene, while checking in with each other to feel out what direction we would go in. Once the scene was established we would each break and do a monologue based upon our character. The point of the monologues is to kind of feed more information to the scene and also give the audience a break in the, usually serious, tone of the piece. It also gives our scene partner more information and we use it to drive the rest of the scene and the piece. We also added in a time-dash at some point, so that we could see our characters in a new situation. This is good for when we feel like we are done with the first scene or want to elaborate on something that was said or presented in that scene.

So, anyways, our performance on Tuesday went pretty well. We were both fairly happy about it and our coach thought it was really good. He said the audience was completely into it and there were a few really good laughs. I noticed a few of them while on stage. It's always a little weird being on stage and not getting laughs. You sometimes wonder if what you are doing is being understood or if you are just being terrible. Usually a big laugh is due to kind of a holding in by the audience. It's a release of tension that is built throughout the scenes. The big laugh is what I really want us to go for. That's what TJ and Dave do, in Chicago. They are a slow comedy two man troupe, that is feature in "Trust Us, this is all made up." Which has quickly become my favorite tool for learning improv, even though it's a documentary. Basically, we are choosing quality over quantity.

The only bad parts of our set was that it was shorter than we wanted. We aim for 20-25 minutes, we ended at 14. But, it's not that big of a deal, especially for the first time. By ended, it means that our coach pulled lights. But, it's not like he pulled thinking we were doing terrible. It was pretty obvious that as characters we wrapped the scene up. Basically, we should've made the first scene longer and had more space between monologues. I think that is where nerves and not completely sure where we were came into effect.

Most important of all, we both felt pretty good about it and we can't wait to do it again. The audience of improvisers that saw it, seemed to enjoy it, so that's awesome. We hope that what we present each time is different from everyone else and shows a new technique can be successful in improv in St. Louis.

Paper For School

2011-10-09T09:25:00.001-05:00

Here is a paper I wrote for school. I'm pretty proud of it and think it's pretty good.

Using Abraham Maslow as Your Career Counselor

Only 45% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. Just 51% of people find their jobs interesting and, of people 25 years old and younger, 64% of workers say they’re unhappy at work. These numbers are according to a survey conducted by the Associated Press to measure work satisfaction.1 Statistics like these are what leads to millions of dollars to be made by sites like www.monster.com or over 100 million hits on Google when searching “Find New Job.” 2

Many people are left wondering, “Why am I so unhappy at my job?” or even “What is the perfect job for me?” For answers to these questions, I believe we can turn to the field of psychology, more specifically, to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In his H of N Theory, Maslow proposes that there are set stages in the growth of humans. According to the theory, there are five levels of human needs: physiological needs, security needs, social needs, self-esteem, and self-actualization. The theory proposed is usually followed by a pyramid like this:

This pyramid shows that the basic needs are at the bottom and the more individualistic needs are at the top. It is also part of Maslow’s theory that one need cannot be met without the lower needs being satisfied first. By rethinking or reengineering some of the words, I would argue that the same could be done to figure out the needs and wants in regard to the workplace satisfaction of a person.

The most basic needs are physiological needs. When applied to the workforce, I believe these include a basic understanding and execution of the work to be done and a basic security in the job. I would label the bottom of this redesigned chart as Security & Fundamentals.

According to Frederick Herzberg’s two-factor theory, Hygiene factors (one being job security) do not motivate if present, but can de-motivate an employee if not present.3 Therefore, without job security holding the foundation together, an employee is stuck at the base of the Job Needs Pyramid and would never be capable of moving past the thought of his/her job not being secure. Likewise, if someone is incapable of performing even the fundamentals of a job, he/she can never feel secure in their position. These two needs, if not met, would end any chance of someone becoming even remotely satisfied with his/her current working situation.

On the next rung up the pyramid, I would place Satisfactory Pay-rate. For some people, receiving a certain amount of pay may be enough to maintain their job performance. However, it has been found that money is not a good enough motivating factor and oftentimes the motivation it causes in someone does not last beyond a short period of time.4 This is not to say that money isn’t a factor; it is, in fact, a big factor, but it does not have the ability to stand alone in one’s overall satisfaction with his/her job. More so, there is more evidence that extrinsic benefits such as money and reward can actually hurt performance and intrinsic motivations.5 Maslow himself put money under physiological needs and at the bottom of his H of N pyramid. In the case of working, however, I think it’s a little more important, but not enough to be higher on the pyramid.

Where “Social” lies on Maslow’s H of N, I think it should also be on the Job Needs Pyramid. Relationships at work with peers and managers are one of the common factors that lead to satisfaction in the workplace. The relationship between employees and their managers is a great determining factor in employee retention.6 Being respected and admired by your peers can have a great influence on your motivation at work and even provide (emotionally) the desire to want to go to work in the first place. Just as Maslow places social higher than security and physiological needs, I believe that the social life you have at work is more important in work satisfaction than the money you make and the security you have.

On the fourth level of the Job Needs Pyramid, we have Mastery & Flow. “Flow” is a term coined by Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi in his book, titled Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. In his TED talk, he describes flow as a state of being in which a person is so immersed in what he is doing, that time and self seem to not exist.4 “Most important”, Dan H. Pink says in his book, Drive, “is that in flow, the relationship between what a person had to do and what he could do was perfect. The challenge wasn’t too easy. Nor was it too difficult. It was a notch or two beyond his current abilities.”7 Without a feeling of flow in the workplace, at least at times, a person can never reach mastery. The pursuit of mastery in a skill is what drives most people to continue on even when things seem difficult or little improvement is being shown. Mastery is a mindset and the pursuit of mastery is what pushes us into states of flow. Reaching flow while working can keep us engaged well beyond our pay-rate, job security, and respect from colleagues.

At the very top of Maslow’s Chart is Self-Actualization. Self-Actualization is a broad term that can (somewhat) be defined as to realize one’s potential. In terms of the Job Needs Pyramid, a case can be argued that at the very top would be Purpose. Pink says, “Humans, by their nature, seek purpose - to make a contribution and to be part of a cause greater and more enduring than themselves.”8 People who are deeply motivated, most productive, and most satisfied are often those who have found purpose in their lives and likely in their jobs.9 Without purpose, one can not fully reach his/her potential in the workplace, because his/her motivation would eventually cease. Therein lies the idea of our job becoming a part of us and representing who we are or who we want to become, i.e. self-actualization. Without a purpose in the workplace, true satisfaction can never be fully reached and a constant state of flux, up and down the pyramid, is likely to occur.

It should be said, that I do not believe that this pyramid is static. It is constantly fluctuating inside all of us. If we get to a point of mastery but have no other challenges set before us, or find that the purpose is not there, then we risk falling down the pyramid and losing our motivation to continue in our current vocation. Likewise, if we get to a point in our work where our pay rate is no longer meeting satisfactory requirements, then our motivation too can be lost and maybe never maintained at a high level again. The goal, then, is to find a purpose that is self-sustaining and an employer who recognizes what truly motivates us and has created an environment that can sustain that motivation.

With the five levels being set, here is a picture of the Job Needs Pyramid:

I argue that with this theory, if you are currently in a state of dissatisfaction in the workplace and find yourself unable to motivate to a higher step on the chart, then you are more than likely not satisfying a lower need and are therefore unable to move up.

With this pyramid and theory, and help from Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs theory, I believe we can all figure out where our needs are not being met while currently at our jobs. Also, it’s where we should focus our attention in order to become more satisfied at work. Likewise, people who are searching for new jobs could use this theory to decide whether a job is going to meet their employment needs, and it gives them solid criteria for making a choice that is right for them in the future.

Bibliography

1. www.adifferentkindofwork.com
Christine Livingston
Unhappy at Work? An Alternative Look at This Week’s Job Satisfaction Statistics
January 8, 2010
http://www.adifferentkindofwork.com/2010/01/08/unhappy-at-work-an-alternative-look-at-this-weeks-job-satisfaction-statistics/trackback/
October 6, 2011

2. www.google.com About 136,000,000 results found when search “Find New Job”

3. www.businessballs.com
Alan Chapman
Frederick Herzberg Motivational Theory
October 2008
http://www.businessballs.com/herzberg.htm
October 6, 2011

4. www.ted.com
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on Flow – Web Video
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow.html
October 6, 2011

5. Daniel H. Pink
Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us
New York, New York
Penguin Group
2009

6. www.careerbuilder.com
Rich Lakis
The Top 5 Things to Consider When Looking for a New Job
April 3, 2008
http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-147-Changing-Jobs-The-Top-5-Things-to-Consider-When-Looking-for-a-New-Job/
October 6, 2011

7. Drive, by Daniel H. Pink
Page 113

8. Drive, by Daniel H. Pink
Page 223

9. Drive, by Daniel H. Pink
Page 131

Cards WIN!

2011-10-08T08:31:00.000-05:00

The St. Louis Cardinals are advancing to the next round of the playoffs. Here's how I celebrate!

Fail

2011-10-05T21:56:00.000-05:00

Last night was the first performance of Fram-a-Flamm and ultimately it was a fail. It probably wasn't as bad as I think it went. Ultimately, I am judging myself on a standard I have set for myself. Unfortunately, the limited time we've had rehearsing or performing together left me and Aaron on different pages in most scenes. That led to creating instead of investing, TRYING to be funny, and not knowing exactly where to edit scenes. It started bad too, because we had this big "Theme song" intro and when the music started, you could barely hear it. OOPS! This is why sound checks are done beforehand, I suppose.

Basically, we fell flat. It just didn't work for us and that's okay. Failing is fine in Improv. Especially, when it's your first show. Especially, when the venue is the worst possible atmosphere for improv. Okay, not the worst, I guess outside during a concert would be the worst. Lemmons kills improv. The only upside to Lemmons is the ability to get on the stage. If you have a pulse you can get a show.

Fortunately, I know that Aaron and I will focus on getting better. We are even talking about getting a coach now, so that's cool. Of course, we have other things going on, so we'll see if we even have time in our schedules to do so.

The real test will come with Slow Death Cheer. I'm looking forward to performing in that show a lot. I'm really excited about what we are doing in rehearsal. It's truly stuff that no one else is doing right now. Hopefully, that's a good thing.

Fram-a-Flamm

2011-10-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

Seemingly overnight, I've gone from having no troupes to having two troupes, with a third one happening in a few months, when my class graduates out of the Improv Shop program. This Sunday was the first rehearsal for Fram-a-Flamm. Which is a two man troupe with me and a friend of mine Aaron FRAM. It was mentioned about a month ago, that me and him should do a troupe together, mainly because our names our so similar. We get mixed up a lot by people and called each other's name. So, we thought it was a cool idea. Plus, we are both good improvisers and we seem to mesh well together.

Our first performance is this Tuesday, so we will see how we do on stage. If you get a chance follow us on Facebook! just search Fram-a-Flamm and like us! (while you are at it, like "Slow Death Cheer" too - and if WE aren't friends.. why the hell not? Find me!)

Of course what is any good troupe without a theme song... here is ours!

I guess I'm smart

2011-09-28T18:00:00.001-05:00

Isn't that the most self-gratifying, egotistical title ever? Hell, what are blogs for anyways, if not to gratuitously fulfill my self and my ego? I don't really write this for other people (but those that read it, I thank you!) generally, I just write what's on my mind and have the nerve to assume that it's good enough to go on the public internet. Quite egotistical in it's own right. Anyways, that's not the point.

The point is I'm smart. I guess. I say I'm smart because it seems every day I'm answering questions for people, or making references to books and studies. I'm also defining words for people or explaining how something works. To me, these are answers that I have learned through reading, school, or just a better memory, I guess. Of course, once they get into my head they become common knowledge... but apparently just for me. Even things that I deem unimportant to know or that others SHOULD know, others DON'T seem to know. Now, I'm not saying everyone else is dumb. In fact, I believe now that people are generally as smart as they need to be. Someone who is attractive or can "get by on their looks" doesn't need to be that smart. Doesn't mean that attractive people aren't smart, but for the majority I would say that they don't try to be smart, because they don't have to be smart. Now, I guess it's important to point out that I also believe that people CAN get smarter. Someone does not reach a peak of smartness. Sure, at certain stages of life, your brain may not work as well as it once did, but there are always areas in which you can get smarter.

So, now, the reason I say "I guess." As in, "I guess, I'm smart." The self degradation side of myself always compares me to smart-ER people. I find people and I think "Wow! they are smart, I'm an idiot." or I find people that have a talent that I don't and I might wish I had that talent. It's the way I keep myself grounded I suppose. It's why I don't usually write blog posts about how amazing I am or walk around with an air of arrogance towards other people. I am not as good at anything as I want to be. That includes being smart.

For the most part, I think people view me as a smart guy. That's a great quality. I would prefer that over being considered an idiot anytime. So, I think it's important in knowing yourself that you can tell yourself that you are indeed smart. But, the side of me that reminds me of all the dumb shit I've done (and continue to do) is just as important because it keeps me from being content on mediocrity. In the class I am in, a few weeks ago we took a test. The guy next to me was HAPPY to get a C on his test. I was pissed off that I missed 2 questions and didn't have the best grade in the class. I prefer that. A friend of mine asked me if I passed a test today. Of course I passed a test. The question is did I get a hundred percent? That's my standard.

I understand it's not the same standard for everyone and that's fine. Some people don't need to get a hundred percent. I like needing that.

Awesome Night

2011-09-24T23:55:00.003-05:00

Tonight was a Super Saturday show for the Improv Shop. Basically, this was their 2nd one, I had the honor of performing in the first one, with the Jimmy Carrane workshop. This one featured two troupes from Chicago and St. Louis' own Magic Ratio. All three troupes were good and entertaining. Magic Ratio continues to impress and completely held their own with the Chicago Troupes. Truly they are the toast of St. Louis Improv.

The best part of the night is always hanging out with friends afterwards. We are very goofy and fun loving people. The greatest moments are when we support each other's weirdness and just do silly shit together. Everyone is so open and loving. It's the friends I never had growing up. I realized tonight that I will be friends with these people for a very long time. I wish everyone could have this experience.

Troupe Name

2011-09-23T08:56:00.002-05:00

I just realized I haven't posted much information about this on here. My first troupe, is indeed a two man troupe and our name is Slow Death Cheer.

We are focusing on Slow Comedy, so we wanted to have that in there somewhere and we are focusing on the real aspect of life (in hopes of being funny) but not necessarily worrying about being funny. Sounds contradictory to improv, but it's not. A lot of times the REAL part of improv is the funniest, most engaging stuff. If it can relate to people it can touch them on a deeper level. So, that is our goal. Instead of jokes, we are representing real life and will hopefully get a full spectrum of emotions from the audience.

Slow Death Cheer is also inspired by a line from Romeo and Juliet;

"For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part; being tasted, slays all senses with the heart."

I like it a lot. We have our first practice this Sunday and we have yet to still determine our form. Form is basically, the rhythm your troupe will be in. What beats you are going to hit and the overall show you plan on putting on. I'm very excited, especially with the coach we have. Can't wait.

Great Show - Show that should die

2011-09-21T11:42:00.002-05:00

On Monday, I went to the LAB, which is a new show being put on by the Improv Shop. It's a night they affectionately tag as "improv nerd night." Basically, its a show that features new troupes, experimental troupes, and a lottery show. Like everything the 'shop put's together it is awesome. It is awesome because it is ran well, it is organized, it is quality (even from unknown troupes), it is a great atmosphere, and it makes you really appreciate what's happening on stage. I was very fortunate in that I got to perform with the Serendipitous Pastiche, which is a very fancy combination of words for their Lottery show. I have talked about Michael Pizza before on here and one of the members, Eric Christenson, was at the show and in the Pastiche as well. It was an absolute blast and one of the highlights of my (short, but growing) improv career.

In complete opposite world was the show at Lemmons on Tuesday, put on by the Improv Trick. It has been bad for a while. Last night, may have been top 2 worst of all time. Bad shows happen, but I'm not even necessarily talking about the show itself, which WAS bad, don't get me wrong, but the overall just lack of care, lack of justification for sucking, the disorganization, the heckling (from IT members to IT members), the lack of quality in any part of the show, and just the atmosphere created by IT for these shows is a trainwreck. It's a clusterfuck. It's disgusting really and I've almost given up on them ever putting together a quality show. It's ran by morons and that's an insult to a moron. NO one seems to care, except the audience members who care about improv in general. The laughs it got were awkward and usually because of how bad it was. I would be ashamed to tell anyone to come see that show. In fact, I hardly ever mention it anymore.

Every time I go, I wonder, "Why, did I waste my night on this?" I think part of me wants to see it turn around. I want to see it get better. I want to save it. But, that's impossible when the people running it, don't seem to care or even notice the state it is in. Last night saw a pretty big run of racist jokes. It's amazing people don't protest it. Oh wait, they do... by not showing up to it.

The Improv Shop shows are packed, every time. They leave everyone feeling like they had a great night. The improv Trick shows can't keep an audience and do even worse at keeping an audience engaged. It's drunk prov every night at Lemmons. It's a disgrace.

Lots of Praise latelyl

2011-09-17T09:42:00.002-05:00

Whether it's in my small role in that movie, or something specific I've done lately in improv, I've been getting a lot of praise lately and that feels neat. It's hard to imagine I've been doing improv all of this year. It's been a long year for me, probably because it's been the busiest year of my life. Last year was busy and this year is even busier. It's crazy. I have something planned 4-6 nights a week and I do SOMETHING, whether it's school, work, or improv class every single day. I feel really good about it all too. I thrive on busy. Sometimes I'm a little tired, but I'm never tired OF IT. I imagine successful people are just as busy or even busier. I actually look forward to the day when my mornings begin at the crack of dawn and I'm getting the absolute most out of every day. I'll sleep when I die. Not that I don't sleep, but too much sleep to me is the biggest waste of a life.

But, ya the praise lately is nice and it's awesome to see people light up when they talk about something I've done or even best when they remember something specific weeks ago that I did on stage. To me that's a lasting impression and that is awesome. That's what performers should strive for. Obscure reference, but in Eddie and The Cruisers 2, that's what Eddie Wilson says something a long the lines of "when you are good, people have a good time, go home and forget about you, when you are great, you stick in their head forever." PRobably not right, but that's the way I remember it.

Hooray! In my 1st Troupe!

2011-09-16T08:59:00.002-05:00

A troupe is a group of people that perform together in Improv, much like a band. They have a name, they promote themselves, and they go on stage to fail together. I have officially formed my first troupe. It's a two man troupe with an improviser I highly respect, that has been improvising for a long time. He was my first choice to do it with me, so I'm very happy he said yes. He is a bit more advanced than I am, so it could be a good relationship in that I'm still learning and he can carry a scene if he needs to. Plus he's totally about quality and if nothing else I will get better at improv through him.

Yesterday, was also my birthday and through the magic of Facebook, I received about 70 messages wishing me a happy birthday. By far the biggest response I've ever gotten. That of course made me feel good.

I'm 29 years old. So Old! lol. I don't care, really, but certainly makes me wonder where the years have gone. Reminds me of the saying "The day is long, but the years are short." That certainly holds very true.

My first ever movie

2011-09-14T10:34:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I'm saying that accurately or not. It's the first movie I've ever been IN. I have a small part around the 5 minute mark. It was pretty neat though, a friend of mine who is an actor told me yesterday, he thought I did really good in it and was very believable and I should seek out more roles. That really made me feel good. I respect his opinion a lot and it got my wheels turning. Anyways, here is the movie, it's only 12 minutes long. Hope you enjoy!

Why Dieting is bad for me

2011-09-14T10:29:00.003-05:00

Cuz I don't follow through.

Ugh.

Why is it so hard to keep going? I feel like I'm destined to be super fat forever. Or, it's going to take me a 10 years to lose the weight I need/want to lose. I can't give up though, because giving up equals death. By starting and failing multiple times throughout the year, at least I still manage to lose some weight each year.

I really think working out is the key for me. Obviously, dieting is the main part, but I gotta get my metabolism up. Unless my wife gets her ass into gear with working out and doing this with me, I think the only way I'm going to accomplish this is with a personal trainer. I need someone to hold me accountable. I can't do it on my own. I especially can't do it when I'm being encourage to stop at McDonalds on my way home from a late show. It's not my wife's fault though. I just don't have the willpower. I know it's not all about willpower, but it's a part of it and I can't seem to say NO, even though I know I should.

I need a system.

Why carbs are bad for me

2011-09-08T08:36:00.002-05:00

And I would imagine why they are bad for everyone else. I had carbs (mostly) for dinner yesterday, in the form of white pasta with white sauce and man I was starving afterward. Carbs are bad, because they make you feel hungry even after you've eaten a ton of them. So, of course, I couldn't snack enough late last night. Lately, I've been eating a lot of protein, because it helps you to feel fuller longer and it was probably a little bit of a shock to my system to have that many carbohydrates again. I didn't choose too bad when snacking, but I did a lot of it.

I snacked on wheat tortilla chips and salsa, asparagus (yes, that's weird, but I like asparagus and it's healthy), Light popcorn, and some cheezits. Obviously, of all those the cheezits were the worst choice.

My nephew is now living with us and his mom buys him food for here and unfortunately, it's terrible food to eat. So, we make dinners that he will like and usually, they are not the greatest choices. It's funny, knowing the right choices for food, yet I'll do something like last night and still eat it. Well, it's not funny. It's actually sad. But, we all do it everyday. Even his parents though, don't seem to understand what's good to eat and what's not.

wha-huh?

2011-09-07T11:06:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to get my hopes up, because it seems to much, but I stepped on the scale the same way I do every time I do (no variance here, folks) and it showed that I've lost 6 pounds already, since restarting (again, and again, and again...). Now, it could be true, because usually the first week of weight loss is bigger than expected anyways, but 6 pounds in essentially 3 days seems a bit much. Now, if it's true, it could be attributed to eating more vitamins lately or even doing something in the morning that helps my metabolism. I have been eating very good, but I'm not starving myself. I hope it's truth. It's a nice way to start a diet, no doubt. But, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if tomorrow it goes up a pound or two. They say, your body can add or subtract 5 pounds a day on the scale. Mine usually doesn't do that, but sure that's possible.

Anyways, more importantly, I am sticking to the diet so far. Hooray me!

Consciously putting into practice

2011-09-06T08:24:00.002-05:00

Having the knowledge to the right thing to do or eat is not enough. It's necessary I think, but it's not enough to get someone to do what they need to be doing. Consciously putting things into practice and being aware of what needs to be done at all times, is the only way to get things done. The ONLY time I'm able to control my diet and lose weight is when I am putting it into practice. When I'm spending my days thinking about why I want to lose weight and planning my meals and thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth daily seems to be the only true time I'm able to do things correctly.

It's a workout in and of itself really. Yesterday, I started over... again. It seems to be my fate (I imagine the fate of a lot of overweight people) that I am in a constant state of starting over on a diet plan. But, to give myself some credit I have lost weight for 3 years in a row now. Unfortunately, it hasn't been enough to counter what I gained for the years I did nothing but sit on my ass and ate whatever I wanted to. It's hard to imagine myself then. I can't believe I could let myself go as I did. I didn't have the knowledge then, that's for certain. I'm sure I still don't fully grasp everything, but I certainly know enough to where I know what I'm doing to my body whenever I eat something, especially when I eat something terrible. Yet, I still make that choice. I'm beginning to think of all things about weight loss, accountability may be the most important.

If I have nothing or no one to keep me on track, I veer off quickly. So, right now, I'm focusing on losing 10 pounds before my birthday in 10 days. I think weekly or biweekly goals are the way to go for myself. I'm so nearsighted when it comes to goals that long term goals get lost in my mind very quickly. So, the way to go I think is nothing but short term goals. At least until I get that under control.

So, Day one was yesterday (which is good, because most people say Day 1 is tomorrow) and I did quite well. Today is another day in which I will lose weight.

3rd place

2011-09-05T09:30:00.002-05:00

We lost our softball game in the semi finals last week. Giving us 3rd place (technically, they didn't say which team got 3rd and which got 4th, so I'm going to claim a tie and take 3rd). Not too shabby. Of course, after the game it was a bit disappointing. We just plain got out hit. Which in softball is what you want to happen. There were a few plays we should've made, but ultimately they just beat us. We lost 18-13. We put up a huge inning of 10 runs to take an early lead. Then the next inning one of our guys hit it over the fence, which in this league counts as the end of the inning, 3 outs. We had a guy on 1st no outs and he was the 2nd batter up. Looking back, that's probably what killed us. It ended our momentum and the other team scored 9 runs to get the lead back for good at the bottom of that inning. It's a dumb rule, but, whatever. We should've recovered from it.

All in all I'm pretty happy with the season. Out of about a hundred teams in the city, rec league, we got 3rd (or 4th). That's pretty damn good. I'm pretty proud of the guys and this is honestly, the first time I've ever had a winning season in ANY sport activity I've ever been a part of. In High School, my teams sucked. Even when I played in the NABA (adult amateur baseball) after school, my teams were never able to put together winning records.

I'm looking forward to next season. Now we know what to expect and I think we'll make another good run at it.

Good Season MidWest Mayhem!

In the Semi Finals of Softball

2011-09-01T15:00:00.002-05:00

My softball team has won the last two days and tonight we play in the semi finals and if we win, the finals immediately following. It's pretty awesome. We are in the final four of the bracket. The bracket started with 48 teams and the entire league is around 100 teams. Quite a leap from a year ago when we went 0-17 on the season.

Good luck team Mayhem!

Interview went well

2011-08-29T21:20:00.002-05:00

The interview went well on the radio the other day. I will post a link to the archive when it's available.

Last night was an event. I'm in a funk lately with my wife and last night it came out. It got so bad, that at one point my wife packed me a suitcase and told me to leave. That didn't happen. I think ultimately, I just have a problem with not being happy in the moment. I always want more. If I'm not moving forward I get down on myself and my life. I shouldn't allow that to creep into my marriage. I kind of feel like a hypocrite because in improv I talk about support and energy and positivity and then with my marriage I just allow all this negative shit to get me down and I take it out on my wife. I feel bad. On the flip side, I like that I'm so driven and want as much as possible out of my life.

I can't find a balance.

iwatchradio.com Interview today

2011-08-27T11:08:00.002-05:00

Today is my iwatchradio.com interview. I will be on around 7:20 pm (Central Time). I will talking about Improv, which is pretty cool.

If you get a chance watch it. It will also be archived, so you can watch at a later time and tell me how fat I look on Radio.

Thanks!

1st Place!

2011-08-24T12:26:00.002-05:00

My softball team this year finished the regular season in 1st place! Not only in our league, but in 19 rec leagues in St. Louis! Pretty sick. I found out yesterday that our playoffs are not restricted to the 5 team league we've played in all year, but the 19 leagues across St. Louis softball. We played last night to determined 1st and 2nd place. We won 1 lost 1 and got the first slot. Our playoffs begin next Tuesday. It's pretty awesome considering we went 0-17 last season. This year we finished 17-7. Winning is pretty cool. I've never been a part of a winning sports team. Usually not even an above .500 sports team. So to get 1st place for the first time ever! I'm way overdue, lol. I hope we do well in the playoffs.

I also start my Oral Communications class today in College. I'm taking two classes this semester, that and College Composition 2, which started Monday, but is a web course and I'm waiting on my books to come in to start that.

This saturday is my interview on iwatchradio.com about improv. That's pretty neat. I'm in talks right now with someone about getting a sketch comedy show going. Things are going pretty well at the moment.

Only bad thing is I twinged my knee and re-twinged my back last night in softball. Glad I'm off work today.

So ya, I'm number 1! WOOHOO!

Good Weekend

2011-08-22T09:42:00.004-05:00

A little soul searching, an improv workshop, and the final class of my level 2 improv class at the Improv Shop. I call that a productive weekend. The workshop was amazing. I wrote about it on my new Improv St. Louis Blog. (Link over on the side under "Links"!) Oh ya, I guess I created that over the weekend too. I plan on putting sketches there and links to my new podcast and such. Should be a fun site! I also started talking to some improv friends about doing the sketches. I actually have some time coming open soon. I wont have softball in a few weeks, I have no immediate plans to take Wednesday Improv classes, I'm not required to work the door at Lemmons on Tuesdays anymore, and at least for the next two weeks I don't have Improv Shop classes on Sundays. So, if I don't find something to do, I'm going to be a bit bored. Hopefully, this will spark this new project and I'll get some good stuff done over the next couple of weeks.

I'll be on iwatchradio.com this Saturday talking Improv. That's exciting. Lots of stuff in the tank... that makes me happy.

BTW... apparently I missed my 600th post benchmark. This is post 605. Wow! over 600 posts. Amazing

Truth is, I make excuses though

2011-08-19T22:52:00.002-05:00

The truth is, I make excuses though. I often think, "I would do this, but there's no camera guy" or "If I had x amount of money I could spend time doing this." It's all BS. This day and age, with Youtube and when anyone can make a video about anything, it's just silly that I don't do things. Really, for me it's a support issue. I've never been supported by anyone for almost anything. My mom and dad never once went to a music recital. My dad went to a few baseball/football games until he wound up in prison. My brothers don't really support anything I do and if anything they are most critical of me. My wife doesn't care about anything I do either and in fact dreads every new thing I ever do. I've quit doing a lot of things because of her disapproval. It saddens me. Do I really need approval? Or is it another excuse? I consider myself so independent and yet, I rely on approval for me to do something that I enjoy doing. It doesn't make sense. There's something wrong there. I'm lying to myself. I don't need approval. If I want to make sketches and a website that is devoted to those sketches, I should do it. If I want to attempt to entertain people, I should do it. Talent is nothing. Hard work and persistence is EVERYTHING. If that's the case... if I really believe that.. then why do I do nothing?

I guess I'm being a little hard on myself. I DON'T do nothing. I take improv classes. I think about improv. I read books. I study the human mind and behaviors. I do a lot of stuff actually. I do write things. When it gets to a certain point though, I just sit... and wait... for nothing... and guess what? Nothing happens. I need to get over that hump. DOING is everything. Planning is worthless without doing.

My employee offered his services to record some sketches. He has a sick camera and he believes in what I do. He thinks I'm funny. He thinks it would be worth his time to record whatever BS I want to bring to the world. That's exciting. Yet, I still have doubts. I still want that approval from my wife. Why is it so hard to get the ones closest to me to believe in me as much as people who aren't around me every day? Why do strangers like me better than my family? I am liked by everyone in improv. Yet, my family doesn't even like what I do. I don't get it.

I start this weekend. This weekend I will begin taking my ideas and putting them into action. I'm tired of waiting around for others to give me the okay. I give it to myself.

Inspiration again

2011-08-19T20:23:00.002-05:00

Inspiration comes and goes for me. I assume this happens to most people. Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know. I get very restless at times and inspired to do something about it. I consider it a strength, but it's also a burden. It's so hard for me to accept my reality and I'm constantly trying to change it. I feel like a very creative person and unless I'm fully immersed in that creativity I truly feel like I am wasting it. I don't want to forget that I enjoy artistic endeavors. Truth is, I did forget it for a LONG time. After high school and up until I found improv, I had no creative outlet. I gave it up. I thought "now's the time to go into the real world and forget about art or performing or music or anything else." I listened to people who said it was a waste of time. It's no coincidence I imagine then that I was miserable for all those years. Okay, maybe not miserable, but like something was truly missing from me. Art and artistic things allow me to enjoy life. It's a different mindset. It's JOY. I don't know how people don't celebrate that part of life. I understand not everyone is like me. I really do. But, I know who I am and I love that part of my life.

It is a burden though. To never feel fully satisfied. I can understand my wife's impatience and annoyance with it.

Sunday Stew

2011-08-14T14:18:00.002-05:00

Went to the BL casting yesterday. Spent 7 hours in line. I felt like I did a better job than last time. My application was noticeable and I made the group of people laugh a few times. I thought there was a pretty good chance of getting a call back. Nope. Oh well. I really just think I'm not quite what we they are looking for. It's like any audition. They have roles they want to fill and look for people to fill those roles.

Had to fire a driver the other day at work. He is the most careless driver ever and he was just an idiot. He would brag that he never wore his seatbelt and that a few weeks ago after almost hitting a jogger and having the jogger yell at him, he decided it was a good idea to go back in reverse and verbally assault the guy, while ON shift. Of course after I fire him, more stories come out including that one of my managers found him drinking a beer while on shift next door at the liquor store. Like, wtf? How stupid are people? This guy only lasted about 2 months.

My fall classes start next week. I'm excited. I finished with an A in my summer class and it puts me a few months closer to getting my degree. I really do feel so behind in life sometimes. So many people in improv have masters degrees or four year degrees. It's definitely a "nerd" sport. I sometimes wonder what I've been doing with my life for the past 10 years. It would've been so easy to just finish school. I try to stay on the bright side though. If I had finished it probably would be something I wasn't really interested in anyways. I realize life is hard for everyone, but I really do feel like it's been especially hard for me. I don't feel a "woe is me" though. I feel proud that I've gotten to the point where I am now. I feel smarter and better off than I have ever felt in life.

Usually when I get down it's just because I think I am uncomfortable with BEING comfortable. I told someone the other day that it's been too long since I've failed at something. I feel like I need to keep trying new stuff, or else life gets stale. I get bored. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to some;especially my wife. But, it's who I am. Why fight that?

I've been doing a good job with juicing in the morning and still maintaining my diet (for the most part). I juice almost every morning for breakfast. I feel good lately. I drink caffeine maybe 2 times a week. I try not to do it 2 days in a row, because I don't want to get addicted again. I've been eating healthy snacks like almonds, cashews, and just portion control on other meals. I always try to have veggies with dinner. My diet isn't quite where I want it to be, but it's going pretty well. My weight is right around 354, which is 3 pounds heavier since I did my 5 day juice fast, but I've lost 8 pounds in about 3-4 weeks. That without even working out. Once I put it all together the weight will drop off, I'm sure of it.

Improv is still going well. I feel like I'm getting better just about every class and every performance. Class has been canceled for two weeks in a row at the Shop, so I feel like I haven't done much lately. Also, with softball on Mondays, I haven't been available to go to the Monday shows. I don't feel as anxious with improv anymore. Not that I don't care, but I think I'm being forced to be patient with it, so I'm accepting that more.

This Thursday I am meeting with a guy from improv who asked me to host a podcast for him. Hopefully, that goes well. Next Saturday I have an Improv workshop and then the week after I am being interviewed on Iwatchradio.com by my Mass Communications 101 teacher. So, pretty busy coming up. That's always good!

Weekends are bad for diets

2011-08-07T23:41:00.002-05:00

It's funny how quickly I fall back into old habits. Especially, when I'm with my brothers. The only good part is that at least everything was made at home. We celebrated my brother's birthday this weekend and I ate too much and too much of the wrong things. Pasta, chicken wings, diet soda, regular soda, wine, bread, carbs, carbs, carbs. I'm not going to beat myself up too much. Tomorrow is a new week and I can consider this my cheat day. Last year it worked well having 1 cheat day a week. Monday through Friday this week needs to be on point. It's a lot easier to stay on target throughout the week. Especially at work. Five or six days a week on a good balanced diet is better than no days. I thought my juice fast would help me with self control. Fail.

I did gain a day of the week back, since I'm not going to be doing improv on Wednesdays, for a while at least. I need to get back into the gym. Working out and building muscle also builds metabolism and helps you lose weight quicker by helping you burn more calories throughout the day. Definitely a fail on not swimming enough this summer too. Oh to be able to focus for a long period of time...

Biggest Loser casting in St. Louis

2011-08-04T09:06:00.002-05:00

I found out yesterday, that next Saturday, the 13th, that the Biggest loser is doing open auditions for the show in St. Louis. I gotta try out. Last time I went to Chicago for the open auditions. I don't know if they've ever come to St. Louis or not. I think with my improv I might have a better shot of impressing someone. Plus, why not try out? I'm hoping I can get my friend from improv to be my teammate. He is a great personality and would probably impress them pretty quickly. I don't know if he will though. He told me about the show before that he "didn't trust that show." So, I dunno. With it being close, I might be able to convince him to try. He's overweight but not as much as I am. He's like 270. I might make a new video to send in as well. Hmmm, I'll have to think about that more. My family is getting together this Sunday for my brother's birthday, so it'd be a good time to get it together.

New Diet is going well

2011-08-03T08:51:00.004-05:00

So far so good, on my new diet. The biggest difference so far is portion size. I am now only making the amount that I want to eat and stopping when I am full. I'm sure that's super easy for some people but for me, for some reason I was raised as though we were poor and that we never knew if we would have food the next day... we always did though. I'm sure it's because my parents were raised that way, to finish their plates, and so they passed that on to us. Food is not a scarcity. Good news is, I don't seem to be gaining any of the weight back that I had lost. I'll be happy when I start losing more weight though. Soon, hopefully, I'll be motivated enough to start working out again on a regular basis, to get my metabolism back up. I'd love to end the year back down to 320 or less.

On Monday, I had 4 softball games with my softball team. It was nuts! We were so exhausted after the 3rd and 4th game. We managed to win 3 out of 4 though, with the last game being our only loss. I'm pretty sure it was mainly due to fatigue because we really struggled defensively and made some mistakes we haven't made since the first games of the year. Our hitting was awesome, especially mine for some reason. I had 10 hits in the 4 games including a walkoff gapper that scored 2 runs in the 3rd game to win it. That was an awesome feeling. I did piss the other team off though at the end of the 4th game, when we were trying to make a comeback, I noticed the outfielder moving his position to where I had been hitting the ball most of the game as the pitch was coming at me. So, I purpose tried to push the ball into the spot he vacated. I got a good piece of the bat on it and it landed right where he used to be. I had an easy double, but as I am running down first I'm yelling "Fuck You, Fuck you..." Terrible I know. But I was excited and didn't really me EFF the guy, more like "Eff you for trying to reposition on me" but ya, it wasn't taken too well by the pitcher. He called me "Bush League" and said it was uncalled for. Of course, in the moment I told him to stop whining. After the game, I apologized and told him I didn't mean anything by it. Oh well. The emotions and fatigue I think got the best of me. I shouldn't have said it, but I certainly didn't mean anything by it either. I raised my batting average on the season by over 100 points those 4 games. It was awesome. My team is now 11-3 on the season with the 3 losses coming to the same team. I'm pretty sure if we wouldn't have been so tired we would've won that 4th game.

Being back at work, reminds me why I want a new job. It's so boring all day. I hate that my job is basically only busy in spurts. I'm the type of person that would rather be working all day then sitting on his ass. Most of the time, I'm sitting on my ass. It's so lame. I'm definitely a project type guy. I'd rather work tirelessly on a project all day, then sit down for 2 hours then get hit with 4 orders at once and be busy for the next 15 minutes, only to sit down for the next half hour then jump up when busy again. It's soul destroying, honestly. I have to find things to keep me busy. That's some boring stuff. That's why I loved throwing papers so much. You did your job the whole time and as soon as you were done, you got to go home. No down time. That's how jobs should be.

Back to Work

2011-08-01T08:42:00.002-05:00

Well, the longest vacation I've ever taken from work is officially over. I didn't really do much on it. I did do 5 days worth of juice fasting though and for that I'm pretty proud. Hopefully, getting back to work wont be as much of a drag as it was before I went on vacation. I fear going in today though, I'm guessing I'll spend most of the day trying to figure out what they screwed up all week and what I need to fix. I went in on Sunday and found at least 3 things immediately to be pissed about. The most frustrating part is that it's always stuff they know they are supposed to do, they are all just lazy or don't care enough to do it. I imagine that's a problem in most places. Usually the difference between management and employees is the difference in how much they care or how much they are willing to do.

I'm curious to see over the next couple of days, if my weight fluctuates or if I gain back what I lost during the reboot. I really hope not. I hope to continue losing. If I stick to my diet, I will, even if it's a quarter of a pound or a half a pound a day. Being this big, my allowable calorie count should be quite high and I shouldn't come close to eating that much. We shall see I suppose.

Day 6: New Game

2011-07-31T09:36:00.002-05:00

I've quit the Juice Reboot game. I feel like I won early. Or maybe I lost, since the point was to do it for 10 days and successfully juice things to drink. I struggled too much with the veggies. Either way, I'm ready to move onto the next game. Or continue this game, but change the rules. At least for this section of the game, I will have company/support, which is my wife. She wants to eat healthy too. It's hard to do things alone, when you are married. I have to find inner reasons to do things and know myself well enough to know when I am done with something.

So, the new rules;

* Food choices will be real food. Not interested in processed crap anymore.

* Juice for breakfast, most days. I still like fruit juices and I would love to continue doing that in the morning. 1) it surprising keeps me satisfied throughout the morning. 2) I can juice and get the benefit of 6 apples or more. There's no possible way I'd EAT 6 apples. That's beneficial!

* Take my lunch to work daily. Even more detailed, it needs to be a sandwich with lean meats, with extra veggies to snack on or a salad loaded with veggies and a good lettuce/greens mix. Stop eating pizza or other crap at work!

* Snacks are juices and nuts or veggie sticks. I usually worry about spending too much on groceries by buying those convenient little packs of broccoli/carrot/celery sticks, that's nonsense! My health is more important.

* Focus on Vitamins and Minerals that are beneficial to myself. I bought some coconut oil yesterday, because I read that it helps boost metabolism.

* No more casual drinking, unless it's a holiday or celebration. I've been getting a drink or two every week, since doing improv. I don't need it.

* Monitor my weight weekly. For fat people that scale is the Devil sometimes! It's amazing the psyche out we'll give ourselves to avoid the scale. I can usually tell if I've gained weight, yet, I treat it as if it doesn't happen if I don't see that it has happened. It's ridiculous. I plan on putting a sheet of paper up in the bathroom with predetermined dates on it, so that I see it daily and post what my weight is and I hope that will force me to be truthful to myself more and keep me honest.

BTW, all in all I lost 12 pounds on my juice fast/reboot. Pretty good for a week!

So, the basic of the NEW GAME is simply to live a normal life and have a balanced diet!

I feel like I accomplished a lot this week doing this fast. I feel very proud of myself. I feel like I can control my diet. I will juice fast again. When I feel like I need to kick start myself again or take a break from eating for a few days, I will do it and I know I will be able to do it.

I want to make a bracelet that says "L1FE" (with a 1 instead of an I), because that's what I have 1 LIFE. That would help remind me daily what I should be doing and WHy I am doing it.

Thinking of Stopping my Juice fast

2011-07-30T14:15:00.003-05:00

This isn't a rash decision, but I want to consider this for a moment. I'm considering ending my Juice fast with Day 5. Here's why;

I feel like I've accomplished what I set out to do, which is controlling my hunger/food intake.

I've faced some tough challenges and beat them already.

I feel really good about going this long.

I don't know what other benefits are left to have by being on the juice fast for 5 more days. Day 1 feels mostly like day 5 in that I am not crabby or lack energy. But, also, I have not gained energy. Most of the people that do it gain something on Day 4, well I'm pretty certain that by me giving up caffeine last week, I already went through that process, because it was Day 4 where I felt great. I could still lose more weight, which is awesome, but I could do the same thing by eating healthy.

One thing I am struggling with is Vegetable juices. They don't taste good to me and I pretty much just gulp them down in order to have them. Lately, I've been adding fruits to them simply to make them more enjoyable, but I'm afraid that the acid from all that fruit will mess with my acid reflux. I've taken 3 Tums already today. I have NO problem eating vegetables, even raw ones. So, it may be more beneficial to eat them.

I could still juice for some meals during the day. For example, I love fruit juice in the morning for breakfast. So, I could do a mix of juice and raw foods and still get the benefits as if I was juicing.

So, I think I'm going to sit down and make a plan today to reintroduce food back into my system and lay out what I want my diet to consist of. Another thing is that I need to go grocery shopping and now is the time to make the choice of whether to continue or not.

Most of all, mentally, I think I am ready. My stomach has shrunk. I've lost some weight even if it is mostly just detoxing. I think yesterday, let me know that I can control what goes into my body.

On the website they actually suggest a 5x5 or a 10x10, where you do 5 days juice 5 days raw food, or 10 days juice 10 days raw food.

Food Matters

2011-07-30T13:15:00.003-05:00

I just watched another documentary on food on Netflix, called "Food Matters." Basically, it talks about the gap between science and nutrition and how a lot of the problems we have in life, including diseases such as cancer and heart disease are prevented or even cured from the food that we put in our bodies. I guess that's not an amazing AHA! or anything, but it goes pretty in depth and I enjoyed the movie. One of the more interesting things in it was that Niacin can actually cure depression. That stuck out to me, because my wife suffers from depression and uses Prozac to help her cope. Niacin can be found in foods such as nuts, fish, milk, eggs, beef, tomatoes, and a bunch more actually. In the movie the nutritionist/Dr. said that two handfuls of cashews had the same therapeutic effect as a dosage of Prozac on people with Depression. So, anyways, it's a good movie and very informative. If there is a hidden agenda it's simply to get people to buy healthy foods. They aren't promoting magic pills or "Buy this and you'll be healthy!" It talks about the lack of money in health. Pharmaceutical companies don't want us to be healthy. Why would they? Then we'd stop buying all their pills.

I'm not a health nut. Clearly. But, lately, I am more aware of the chemicals and bad foods that are constantly going into my body. That's one of the reasons behind this juice fast. I feel like if I'm truly an intelligent person, why do I allow myself to ignore these facts and continue to sabotage my own life? I believe I get 1 life. Why don't I constantly act upon that then? Someone who is a Christian, who believes in an afterlife and that their duty is to convert as many people as possible to Heaven, act upon it. They believe that and they base their life upon it. Why shouldn't I base my life upon MY beliefs? Why should that be considered selfish? Is it? I don't live the life I want to live. Why? I feel like I am behind by 28 years. I feel like I've lived the life that has been handed down to me; mediocre and obese, waiting to die like the rest of my family. It's sad and it makes me sad to think about that. I don't want to be an activist. I want to live my 1 life to the fullest. That doesn't mean I want to jump out of airplanes or backpack across the Earth. It means I should do what I feel productive in doing. Doing what I enjoy doing. Everyday SHOULD be exciting in some way.

I'd like to learn more about vitamin benefits and nutrition. Definitely need to read a few books on it.

So, now I'm actually anxious to get off my juice fast, so that I can just start a sensible diet. I do miss eating.

Morning of Day 5 of Juice Reboot

2011-07-30T10:17:00.002-05:00

Truly, yesterday was the hardest day so far. Sitting in Hooters, not once but twice (before and after the game) was very difficult. The smells, the atmosphere, and my mind telling me "It's Hooters Wings TIME!" made my life Hell. I even said at one point to my companions, that I was going to eat. One of them knew what I was doing, the other I had to explain it to him and after explaining it to him, I decided not to cheat. It was like a reminder to myself why I'm doing it. He didn't exactly talk me out of it, but I think the fact that he didn't treat it as though it was weird, helped me. I can't believe I only drank water at Hooters than didn't get a hot dog at the game. That's crazy!

Mood and energy - good, same as usual
Weight: 351, i've lost another two pounds! I've done a little math and decided that I started the journey around 362. I think that is a reasonable number. If anything I weighed more than that, honestly. So, I'm calling it 11 pounds lost so far. I'm sure it's mostly toxic waste and water weight and all that good stuff, but 11 pounds is 11 pounds. YAY!

I'm half way home. These 5 days have gone by pretty quickly.

Morning of Day 4 of Juice Reboot

2011-07-29T09:14:00.003-05:00

I woke up very hungry this morning. It was the first time so far that that has happened. Maybe I should drink more juice today. Yesterday I think I drank about 5-6 juices, all around 16 ounces. Yesterday, wasn't as much of a struggle as far as wanting food as the day before was. There were times I really wanted some though. Usually, it's when I'm sitting around the house. The food network keeps getting turned on (I think my mind subconsciously turns it there) and that is bad for cravings. Yesterday, there was something on about deep dish pizza...gawd! I really wanted some pizza after that. If I'm engaged in something I don't think much about food, still. Chewing gum is definitely helping. When I go out I make sure I pop in a piece of gum. Two nights in a row I have gotten these stomach charlie horses. I've gotten them before. Usually when I do crunches or sit ups, I get them. Well, I've gotten them two nights in a row, doing nothing. I figure it's my stomach trying to eat itself. <---Joke, hopefully. It goes away after a few minutes, so nothing serious.

Today is the ultimate test. I am going to the Cardinals/Cubs game and apparently, the guys I'm riding with to the game are going to hit up Hooters for some food and beer before hand. I effing love Hooters. I have told the guy that I'm going with about what I was doing though. I didn't want it to be super weird when we get there. I'm sure I'll have to explain it to the others, but whatever. I've been nervous telling people about it, because 1) it's uncommon and naturally people are going to be against it 2)I don't have all the answers so, I'd hate for it to look like I'm foolishly doing it, 3) It's a little embarrassing, because ultimately the reason I'm doing it is to fight my food addiction and lose weight. To most this is going to seem really extreme and dumb. I usually don't care about what people think, but I dunno, for some reason, I haven't just been announcing this to everyone. Also, I've read that the more you talk about doing something the less likely it is you'll do it. The mere satisfaction you get from telling people about it, prevents you from acting it out. So, ya, tonight's gonna be tough!

I didn't make it to the Y, yesterday. My wife is really worn out lately, for some reason and it's keeping me from just going out by myself. I was on my way to the Y, after taking my old scale back to Target when I decided that since I didn't have my Ipod I wouldn't work out for very long. So, I went to the cages for a little bit and then saw Harry Potter for a rush hour show. It was a good movie. I wish I would've been into the series more. I think for most people 1 fantasy/sci fi addiction is enough. I have Star Wars, so...

So, Day 4 begins, 3 days down;

Energy : Good, same as last few days
Mood: Good, same as last few days
Weight: According to the scale I lost 2 pounds yesterday... I'm at 353. Woohoo!

Oh, in other parts of my life...

My softball team is killing it this year. I haven't mentioned that at all. We are 8-2 on the year. We have a few new players, but ultimately everyone is playing a lot better and with winning, we are having fun! It's been awesome.

I just finished my last test for my summer class. The research paper hasn't been graded yet, but up until now I have an 89% and I just got a 96/100 on the last test, so I should end up with an A or a B, unless I did something terribly wrong on my Paper. First class in 6 years is a success! I have two classes that I am taking in the Fall; Oral Communication 101 and College Composition 2. I was hoping to take 3-4, but decided that I shouldn't overwork myself. I have a lot going on.

video: Morning of Day 3

2011-07-28T10:22:00.003-05:00

After 2 days I'm feeling pretty good. Of note, I don't feel the weakness in my legs that I noticed yesterday morning. I plan to get a workout in today, so we'll see how I do on that and if not having food hurts my ability to do that. Another note is that my finger and toe nails seem to be growing, maybe. I usually bite my nails a LOT, but I haven't been. Now I don't know if that's because I'm not working or because of no-caffeine, maybe I'm not anxious all the time. Just thought it was interesting.

So energy = good/normal
Headaches = NOPE
Mood = Good/normal
Weight = I'll find out today when I go to the YMCA - edit - I took the scale back that broke and got a new one. new one says I weight 355. I used the 20 pound cat litter to test it and it came up right. So, I guess the weight on the other one was wrong.. hopefully. Otherwise I've lost 15 pounds in 4 days. Not likely. So, good to know at least... I didn't gain as much weight back as I thought. I wish I knew my actual weight when this started, but whatever. I have it now, so I can track it.

Day 3 weight is 355.

Recipe: I just made a juice that was pretty good. figured I should write them down somewhere.

1 mango
swiss chard green, small handful
2 handfuls of spinach/chard/kale mix that i bought at the store
1/2 Lime
1 big tomato

Pretty good. Tastes a bit like the other tomato drinks but no bad after taste. I think maybe the lime was a good addition, plus the extra sweet in the mango is always a good move.

I am hungry

2011-07-27T16:21:00.001-05:00

I got home a little bit ago and I've been watching tv and I want food soooooooo bad! Gosh, I want food. lol. Don't cave in.. don't cave in!

Morning of Day 2 of Juice Fast

2011-07-27T09:57:00.002-05:00

I feel good. Last night I had to ask my wife to leave the bedroom when she brought popcorn in. It smelled amazing and I thought for sure like a crackhead I would deck her and steal it. I actually wasnt hungry when I woke up this morning. As soon as I started drinking my juice I was though.

No headache. My legs feel a little weaker than yesterday, but maybe I'm just still tired or maybe it's from softball. Not sure yet, but definitely want to monitor that. Energy feels good. I slept well. Dreamt a lot, if that means anything in all of this. (we will see)

Other than that, nothing to report. I'll post a video tonite.

Hunger coming in spurts

2011-07-26T23:39:00.002-05:00

Tonite I worked the door at Lemmons for improv like I do every Tuesday and I definitely had some hunger pangs. It didn't help that there was the smell of pizza in the air. It definitely only happened when I wasn't doing anything though. I decided I'm going to chew sugar free mint gum to help with cravings. Mint is known to help with cravings, so hopefully that's a little extra help to keep me from cheating. In all I drank 4 juices today. Some good, some bad. The first day is almost over (Ill be in bed soon) and I'd say I passed some great trials today and I didn't have any real side effects other than hunger every once in awhile. More than anything it was just WEIRD not eating. Like when I was watching something I would think that I should have something in my hands munching on, because that's what I always do. So, not so much that I missed food, but that it was just odd not having food.

I hope tomorrow is about the same as today. I need to actually write down recipes and ensure that I have good juices ready for the cravings.

1st day over = Feeling good and still motivated.

1st day of Juice Fast

2011-07-26T15:16:00.003-05:00

Here is a short video of my 1st day's experience with the Juice Fast, reboot.

So far no bad feelings or symptoms. I even noticed the other day with the change in my diet recently I can't eat as much as I could before. I've been substituting raw fruits and veg for different meals each day for about a week now. My wife and I went out and I didn't finish my food, which is both a sign of shrinking my stomach and some self control I have developed. I always clean my plate. Hopefully, that is a permanent change for me.

Things I would like to monitor this week:

Day 1
Headaches? NO

Stomach pain or craving? Not really, other than it took so long to get some more juice. Nothing out of control though.

Energy? I feel normal energy. Same as I usually have I would imagine.

Mood? I'd say Im in a good mood, since I went through 6 hours of waiting for my car to be fixed, having it break down on me 2x upon leaving the shop. I slowed myself down and took everything in stride. In fact, I sat down under a tree and read the newspaper while I waited for the tow truck. By product of the diet? I dunno. Probably a by product of just being in control of how I feel and choose to look at life.

Weight? Not sure. We bought a new scale and we think maybe we shouldn't have turned it on it's side or something because it immediately stopped working when we tried finding a good spot for it in the bathroom. The last reading it gave me was 370, which I'm hoping is OFF. If not, it really saddens me that I've allowed myself to gain that much weight back.

I never did post goals for this... so here they are:

Lose some weight - it's hard to tell how much weight I'll lose. I'll be having less calories and staying active so, naturally it will come off. Personally I'm hoping for 20 pounds with this detox.

Monitor my moods and energy level throughout the experiment - Most of the people that do it notice an increase in energy. I usually have a good amount of energy and stay in a pretty good mood anyways, so we'll see. The goal is simply to monitor it and note on it daily.

Be active - everyday of this I want to be active. The entire purpose of this is to be in control of myself. I want to use it to catapult myself into a new lifestyle and a permanent lifestyle.

Juice only for 10 days - NO food... PERIOD.

Not think about food constantly - Being fat sucks. It's an addiction. Food is always on my mind. I've noticed the last few days though, not so much. I want to get to a point where I don't HAVE to eat, because it's time or it's been a while since I have or because I'm bored. I eat because I am hungry... that's the goal.

Throughout the week if I come up with some more, then I'll post them. For now, that's the purpose. It's a game, a 10 day game. An experiment. That's fun!

and here's a pic of the bruise I got from softball last night.

No Caffeine Blog

2011-07-24T11:29:00.002-05:00

I decided to keep a blog this week on paper at work, while I was doing my detox of caffeine. It's a lot easier to write it down then to try and remember how I was feeling and then put it in my blog on here. So, I thought I'd transpose it to here now that I've finished it. It is 4 days long because the fourth day felt like the third day, so I figured I was officially caffeine free. There is no day 1 because it kind of just happened. I did feel jittery, anxious, and had the munchies big time. Here is Day 2;

Day 2 No Caffeine 7-21-11

So far, much like day one. Today I have a headache. It's not severe but it is definitely present. Today I am also going to incorporate a raw fruit and vegetable diet (blog to come later). I start my fast next Tuesday, so if I'm able to do this the rest of the week it wont be so hard next week; I hope. Of all this the biggest factor is just wanting to eat constantly. I went to the store and bought some fruits/veg to munch on. Hoping that it keeps me from breaking. It's the game. The rules are simple; NO caffeine. If I break the rules, I lose. Plain and simple. I feel anxious and full of energy. Then I'll get bored and really low when just sitting around. Almost depressed. Yesterday was really bad for that.

One thing Ive done to help calm me is listening to my Ipod. I got the idea from reading a book that said listening to music can help depression.

Note: Day 2 was THE worst day of all of this. It's hard to explain how it felt, other than if you've ever had a cigarette addiction or drug addiction, I would imagine it felt a lot like that. I felt jittery, anxiety, and at times full of energy while other times totally depressed. I had trouble sleeping on Day 2. I actually took a few tylenol.

Day 3 No Caffeine 7-22-11

Hooray! No headache so far today. Last night I felt terrible and was a bit restless trying to sleep. I did end up taking a few tylenol. I knew if I got no sleep I would be in bad shape today.
I want to say I feel more energized this morning, but I don't know if it's in comparison to the last two days or before. Either way I feel good. I don't feel anxious or depressed. Hopefully, tomorrow will be even better.

Day 4 No Caffeine 7-23-11

Today is likely my last journal entry (it was) for my "No Caffeine" experiment. Today, basically, feels like yesterday; normal. No headache, no cravings, no jitters, no anxiety. I feel good. I haven't slept a whole lot lately due to work, so I don't know if the bit of tired I am is from that or no caffeine.

It's liberating to know I can do something like this. I feel like I'm taking control of my body and my life. The plan is not to never drink caffeine again, but to not get addicted again. I don't NEED caffeine to make it through the day.

Eventually, it should lead to a balanced lifestyle where I control my food and my food doesn't control me.

So, there it is.. I'm caffeine free. I truly hope this helps me not have such a rough time during my juice fast. I did a blog for the raw veg/fruit incorporation I've been doing the last few days as well. I'll post that soon.

Preparing Myself

2011-07-21T09:11:00.002-05:00

I drink a lot of caffeine. Either with coffee or Tea. With my store getting close to 100 degrees inside of it daily, I am usually drinking a lot of tea. I try not to drink a whole gallon, but I come pretty close daily. This is bad. Both on the calories and the caffeine, not to mention the sugars. So, two days ago at work, I found myself with nothing to drink. I decided, since next week I am cutting off all of it instantly, maybe it would be good to drop a few things ahead of time. So, I chose not to drink caffeine. I did end up getting a diet mountain dew later, but that is by far less than I usually drink. Yesterday, I had NO caffeine. Boy I was feeling it.

I was in a depressed, tired state. My body actually felt "jacked" as if I had had a bunch of caffeine. I was completely anxious all day. It was terrible. I didn't have a headache thankfully, but so far this morning I do have a headache. I'm hoping today is a bit better, but it will probably be the same, if not worse. My guess is the "jacked" feeling was my body going into a bit of shock from the lack of consumption of what I usually put in it. Another thing I've done both days is drink a gallon of Water. Not figuratively, literally. I took one of my gallon tea jugs and filled it with water both days and drank it. I fill it up and put it in one of our coolers at work as soon as I am done, as to set it up for the next day. It makes it easier for me to actually drink it that way. But, since next week I am supposed to drink a lot of water, then why not start now? I am excited and anxious to start my fast. I think it will be great. Even if I don't get the full benefits I think I will, it will be such a psychological win to not eat for 7-10 days. I wanted to do nothing but munch yesterday. Being so anxious, I suppose.

Caffeine is a drug much like nicotine and I've never smoked, but I imagine it's pretty much the same feeling cigarette users get when they try to quit. Which is why they usually gain weight. I know if I stick with it though it is going to help me in the long run and especially when I start my fast next week it will make it not so rough, hopefully. Today I think I may try to eat only raw fruits and veggies and maybe even through the weekend. That would really prepare me.

Saturday Soup

2011-07-16T10:54:00.002-05:00

Today will mark 13 straight days of work. Man, am I feeling it. Yesterday, I wanted to kill every customer who asked a stupid question. Today, I'm closing the store though, so at least I get the day to relax before going in. It's pretty sad that I have to consider that a win since I don't have to go in immediately upon waking up. I've been training a new guy all week too, so I've been getting off work around 8 then going back up there at close (midnight or 1am) and teaching him how to close the store. I'm glad I live so close to work now. I'm pretty worn out, obviously. I am off tomorrow (hopefully!) after of course going in in the morning to teach the new guy how to OPEN the store. Bleh! I really think he is going to work out though, so hopefully in the end it's all worth it.Good thing too is that at least I'm earning some extra money.

A new diet? I recently watched a movie called "Fat, sick, and nearly dead." It's a documentary. Basically, this Australian guy was fat, had some weird illness (hives that break out at weird times), and the almost dead part was a bit dramatic, but was in line with being obese and he was over 40 years old. It was a pretty good documentary, a little slow at first. In it, he takes a 60 day juice fast. He called it a "reboot." This wasn't like store bought juice or anything. That stuff has preservatives and tons of sugar in them. He had a juicer and would buy fruits and veggies (mostly veggies) and would juice them for meals. So, he ate NO solid food for 60 days. Now, I know this sounds gimmicky and whatever, but throughout the whole movie he kept saying "this is not a way to live permanently, it's a reboot." Basically, in his mind he was choosing to reset his system. He wanted to shrink his appetite, incorporate more fruits and veggies in his diet, lose weight (obviously), and ultimately by the end of it, he hoped that it would spring board him into a more balanced diet. My take from it as well, was controlling the psychological part of his life with food. I can imagine how empowering it would be to complete such a feat as an obese person.

There were a few people that did it in the movie as well, even skinny people. It's available for streaming on Netflix, if anyone is interested in watching it. Another part that told me it's not gimmicky is that he wasn't trying to sell anything. There wasn't a MAGIC powder or a pill or any thing like that. It was food, bought from the grocer put into a blender. He had a doctor monitor him the whole time of course. Each time the people went to the doctor the doctor told them they were doing great, to keep it up. I mean, what's the worst that can happen from eating fruits and veggies? The reason he juiced was because it allowed more nutrients to get into his body, since juicing takes all the good stuff out of the veggie and it takes so much more produce to create juice. So, basically he could get more produce juicing and the body wouldn't have to break down the solid food, allowing the body to spend more effort getting healthy.

So, I'd like to try it. The idea is to start at 10 days. From the movie and the website testimonials I know that the first 3 days I'm going to feel terrible. I'm going to have trouble sleeping, my energy is going to be zapped, and I'm going to be starving. But apparently, after the 3 days you start to feel energized and cleansed. Of course, there's a lot of using the bathroom as well. Everyone reported pretty much the same pattern in the 10 days. The website has a lot of recipes and information on it, so I still have some homework to do. I'm hoping that through the 10 days, it'll work out and I'll then go to 30 days and then maybe even 60. But, 10 days is the start point. Worst case scenario is I hate it and get off it after 10 days, none the worse then before. One of the books I've read recently talked about experiments in your life. What's 10 days of a life time? A blip. Really. So, I think if I take that approach it will help me. It's just 10 days. If it doesn't work I can do something else once it's done. Ultimately, I expect that even if I don't like it or can't continue after 10 days, my stomach will definitely be shrunk by then. Telling my wife last night, her answer was "just do portion control." Well, ya in a perfect world I would just do what was necessary to begin with and wouldn't be http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifso damn over weight. But, knowing how I am, I like extreme stuff. It's a game to me. Can I go 10 days with JUST drinking natural juice? That's fun, that's exciting! I need that in order to really do what I need to do. It's sad and I hate that I'm like that, but it's what it is, there's no reason to fight it. I know myself quite well.

So, I'm planning a vacation at the end of the month and I'm going to try it then. I'll be off work, so I wont be around food constantly, plus I'm going to be using the bathroom a lot. That's bad for work. So, assuming I actually get my vacation, Operation Reboot starts on July 26th. I plan on recording my progress and even doing some webcam stuff throughout it. It should be fun, even if it's miserable. I'll be planning it next weekend.

here is a link to the website if you'd like to check it out. Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

So Tired, so annoyed

2011-07-11T09:01:00.003-05:00

I ended up working 7 days this week, because my young assistant manager decided to tell me that he was leaving town starting Sunday. Well he was already scheduled for Sunday to work and my other AM is already out of town. So, I had to fill in for him. Then I find out on Friday that he is leaving for almost 2 weeks. That really sucks! I feel pretty effed over by him, but the problem is, he's leaving for California next month anyways, to live. So, there's really NOTHING I can do about it. If I tried to reprimand him in some way, my feeling is he would just quit. He's 19. He's quitting soon anyways. Everything is of the utmost importance to a 19 year old. I know cuz I've been there. So, instead I just have to deal with it. Luckily, I have a new assistant with pizza experience and who seems very responsible and like he really wants the job, that just started and we've been training for a few days. The timing couldn't have worked out better.

I do have to work 6 straight days this week. So tired... so annoyed. Can I have a new job please?

One Week without the wife down...

2011-07-07T08:53:00.002-05:00

one more to go. It's been a bit weird being alone for this week. The cats certainly don't seem to appreciate not having their mamma around. She was the more affectionate one for them. When I am here, they are constantly wanting my attention. One of the funny things about sleeping alone is that I still manage to stay on my side of the bed. The first night I tried to sleep in the middle, but couldn't. So, I just keep to my side and even keep the same number of pillows I normally use. The only other change is simply that I don't have to worry about whether I'm home enough. I don't have to check in with someone before I go out and do something. I haven't really deterred from my regular schedule, except that I'm working more this week; 6 days instead of 5.

I do miss my wife. Her friend that she went out there with is getting into arguments with her sister, whom they are staying with. So, she's not having the time of her life or anything. For a moment, there was a thought that they were going to come home early. Guess they still could.

Bullshit I tell myself

2011-07-04T14:18:00.002-05:00

We all have it. We all have that thing in the back of our mind that guides us in life. Mine come to the forefront a lot lately. It's the bullshit that we've been told or led to believe growing up that we constantly tell ourselves. For example, I'm going back to school now and right now I find myself unwilling to commit to a degree program because I keep telling myself that an arts degree is shit. I read the degree programs like creative writing, film, theater, broadcasting and each one I read I come up with some reason to make it illegitimate. It's frustrating. I don't even realize I do it, until I stop and think about it. "What would you do with THAT degree?" seems to be the most common question. Why? Because I've heard my whole life that someone who is a writer is poor or actually unemployed. If I meet someone and they say they are a contractor who works on the side or self employed or something like that, I immediately think "loser." How arrogant! How stupid. What bullshit.

I am so open minded to a lot of things, but for some reason when it comes to jobs or prospective jobs I have this attitude of judgmental arrogance. My dad worked shit jobs his whole life. He's now unemployed and blames being a felon on not being able to find work. I think he's full of shit. For some reason he got lazy and he pretty much mooches off of people. My dad went to prison when I was 13 years old and I didn't see him again until I was an adult. Maybe deep down that's the problem. My mom has always worked her ass off in jobs, but again, shit jobs. The one job that paid her well, she got so comfortable that she got fired for tanning on the balcony during work hours. She didn't like the job though, so it was probably self-sabotaging to begin with. Maybe sub-consciously I feel like your job should just be something you are never happy with. On the surface, I don't believe that. I want to believe that you can have happiness and fulfillment in a job.

I think writing would make me happy. Yet, I tell myself it's not legit and I'll end up broke and homeless if I pursue that. I imagine getting a degree then turning back to Domino's for a job to pay the bills. I even think now that I'd like to be a teacher. It's something I've always had the urge to be actually, but somehow I keep myself from pursuing that. Part of that is simply because when I was young, my dad would tell people I was going to be a teacher and if I did become one, he'd end up right. That's ridiculous. I think about all the schooling I'll have to do and I lose interest. I think, "but I'm not good at any one thing, so what would I teach?" Again bullshit. I am awesome at ANYTHING I decide to pursue. I research it. I read about it. I live it. I obsess over it. Especially if it is REALLY interesting to me. Yet, I limit myself so much. I discount myself and ideas that I have. I say I'm not afraid of failure, yet I haven't tried to do anything significant since I failed at playing poker for a living. Good thing too, because right now, I would be absolutely lost if any money I had was tied up due to legislation and the online sites being overtaken. I feel really awful for those people going through that right now.

Other bullshit I tell myself:
I'm destined to be fat and die young.
2 years is a long time.
I'll never be good enough at anything.
Every degree I get is worthless. In a way, I believe this is true, but just in the sense that a degree does not guarantee a job. I simply mean, why not pursue what I really enjoy?
I can make my wife become a happy person.
My life is over at 28 and I should just accept who and what I am.

There are many many more... I don't want bullshit to run my life. I want to live my life accordingly and accept what becomes of each choice. Why can't I change my mind a million times? It's one life. I get no re-dos.

Wife left for Cali this morning

2011-06-29T11:42:00.002-05:00

So, my wife got on a plan today, for the first time. Her best friend grew up in California and decided she wanted to take a two week vacation and stay with her sister out there. She has two kids under 3. My wife went with her to help her take care of the kids while they are there. She is paying for a good chunk of it. My wife had to buy the plane ticket. It's going to be weird by myself for 2 weeks. It'll be the longest my wife and I have been without each other since we've been together... hell even dating. So, basically for 11 years, this will be the longest we've ever been apart. In fact, it's probably never been more than a few days. Even when we separated for a little bit, we saw each other almost daily.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do... probably just same stuff I always do. I'll be on the computer more, I'd imagine, since she usually has it. She should be in the air still. She was nervous flying for the first time.

I go back to work, officially, today. I've basically been off for 4 days in a row. It just kind of happened. Saturday I was off for the workshop and Sundays I take off anyways. Funny thing is even with my "days off" I usually have to go in to work for something. Which is what drives me nuts about this job. It's never too far away and I might have to go in at anytime. Sunday, I had to go in early and get my food delivery in, Monday I had a General manager meeting for 4 hours and then Tuesday I had to be in at 830am for Charter to switch over our phone system. So, really, I've been into work 3 out of the 4 days I've been "off." Sometimes you just want to be away from it. That's what sucks about the idea of taking vacation. I'd still have to call in and make sure things are going okay and place food orders over the phone. You can't really be away for more than two days at a time.

Still on a high... a little bit

2011-06-27T18:22:00.004-05:00

Still thinking about Saturday night. Really cool, I'm gonna pimp out Michael pizza's site. it's www.michaelpizzacomedy.com

They have some taped live shows of their long form. I liked the Medieval Times one the best, if you got 25 minutes, check it out, especially if you've never seen long form. My wife who barely laughs at any of our shows was dying watching these. "Why aren't you guys that funny?" She said. Thanks babe! These guys are so awesome. Definitely will be hitting up their show if I find myself in Chi-town.

Had class Sunday with the Improv Shop. I felt more comfortable this class than any other one. There's been 3 for this level and each one I felt like I was the worst improviser of all time. It's just the nature of the class. This one I felt pretty good. After the workshop on Saturday I was drained, but I began to look at scenes differently while watching them. I found myself more able to diagnose a scene. That was pretty awesome. It's like my eyes were opened. (Dramatic yes, but so what). I also purposely used some stuff that I learned, because I don't want to forget about it. It should be used as much as possible in scenes. Unfortunately, only one other guy in my class took the workshop with me.

Getting closer to getting my own troupe. There are 6-7 people that have been invited, but naturally, I expect a few not to be able to do it based upon scheduling conflicts. I know for sure there's 3-4 of us though and honestly, I think that's enough. I love 3-4 man troupes. Hopefully, by this week, I'll have it all together and we can start rehearsing. After this weekend, we've got a lot to live up to.

My Favoritest Day of all Time!

2011-06-26T10:54:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know favoritest isn't a word... but I don't care! Yesterday was AMAZING! I could not even imagine it being better. The place was packed, the workshop was magic, Jimmy Carrane is so real and raw and simple, I learned so much and then our show was off the charts fantastic. I knew this by the laughs we got and by the fact that after the show, during the notes, Jimmy told us "Fucking amazing show tonite!" Not just, ya that was good or really good show, passionately, FUCKING amazing show. The energy was so sublime. Michael Pizza was inspiring and amazing as well. They commanded the stage and used every part of it. How great! Throughout the show, I kept taking it in. I kept reminding myself of the awesomeness and I really soaked it in. I was drained after all was said and done. After Michael Pizza performed we played "Freeze" which is a very popular and staple game for improvisers. Basically, everyone who performed got to go on stage and you start a scene, someone yells freeze, and they take one of the performers exact position. I purposely jumped out first and got lucky to stay for about 4 scenes. I just wanted to work in a scene with them all, Michael Pizza, Ted Dangerous, I just wanted it and I was a bit greedy. I didn't care. I came into a few scenes later as well and seemed to add to it. Maybe I looked retarded, I didn't care. I wanted it to never end. It was so much fun.

After the show a lot of people came up to me and told me great show - that felt amazing. Even the guys from Michael Pizza did. My wife said someone next to her was talking about my set and how great it was.

My scene ended up about two mormons who flew to California and ended up hating it and were scared shitless. - I seriously just started crying, well tears welled up, thinking about last night... that's how happy it made me. I'm so happy. lol. Anyways, our scene just lead us there. Jimmy taught us to start a scene to feed off the energy and the emotions that you get from your scene partner. I was one of the first two people up. I got to perform with David Imler, who is amazing and made me so comfortable and happy that he came on to the set with me. Anyways, I read his face and I thought Nervous. So, my first line was "I know you're nervous." He responded with, "it's my first time on a plane." Then we were off. We started holding hands and that became a theme throughout our 3 acts we had together. We were both scared in the scene of going to California. In the second act, the first line was "LA was horrible!" then became "a bum pissed on me." "Well, I told you to give him a dollar. "Ya, but I thought it was an option, I didn't know in LA you had to give them a dollar." Then somehow I said something about "I miss Utah" which was TOTALLY random, I hadn't even thought about it. But, as soon as I said it, the immediate thought was Mormons. David ran with that. All of a sudden we were handholding mormons in a scary city, going door to door. In the end, which went on way too long, we decided that we needed to die together in a place crash so that we could enter heaven holding hands. Apparently it was pretty funny. I got stuck in the middle a little bit, definitely getting into my head too much. David is so amazing though that he picked it right up and carried us.

Jimmy taught us a few things:
1. definitely was to read your partner.. who do you feel they are to you? What is their emotion. read them, let it happen instead of forcing something.
2. Add one line at a time, don't monologue.
3. Don't rush.
4. Don't apologize on stage.. it defuses the situation and you want the situation to keep rising!
5. Pick the 2nd or 3rd option, because the 1st one is usually the obvious choice and you want to heighten it.
6. Details, details, details. The audience responds best to details.
7. have fun!
8. support your partner by presenting strong gifts, such as emotions, relationships, and information.

I'm sure there is a ton more, but that's what sticks out the most.

What a day. Fantastic!

Big Day!

2011-06-25T12:53:00.003-05:00

Today is the big day! I have a 4 hour workshop with one of the best improv teachers in the world and then a show at 8pm. It's my first ever Event performance. I'm so excited. i can't believe it's finally here. I hope I do well.

...

2011-06-21T09:05:00.004-05:00

removed

Busy Busy Week

2011-06-17T09:16:00.003-05:00

What a week it's been! On Monday, we had two softball games and we were able to demolish the other team, winning both games by the 10 run rule (15-5, 16-4). On Tuesday, I had Lemmons, in which I was asked to perform with an Armando. Armando is a form of long form improv where you have a monologue-ist who tells stories and then the other improvisers act out scenes inspired by those stories. That was awesome! It was the first time I got to perform as part of a troupe, besides in troupe from a hat. The entire show was amazing, which is actually rare for the Tuesday Lemmons show. Probably the best night I've seen there. On Wednesday, I had improv class at the Improv Trick. I brought my nephew with me, who is 16. I was telling him about it and he wanted to check it out. He said he really enjoyed it, so that was neat. I think it would be good for him. He's been struggling ever since his mom and dad divorced and is in fact, having to take summer classes because he didn't do well in school during the year. Improv was originally used as a tool for therapy during the depression. Kids were being forced to work, to help support their families and they would go to Improv therapy so that they could act like children. I know it's helped my confidence and changed my life for the better, so hopefully, it's something he could benefit from.

Then last night was the Tin Can show, which is my favorite shows of the month. They have it the 1st and 3rd Thursday every month. Last night's show was packed and the energy was amazing. The two acts Magic Ratio and Ted Dangerous were ON point. Both groups did really well and it was just a fun awesome night.

At work this week, I had a driver completely bail on me. He's been there since before I came and he's a really good guy, but he's been struggling with his health for a little while. He believes he is dying and had originally planned on leaving anyways, but decided it was time to move back to family in California on Tuesday and called me Monday to tell me. So that added to my busy week, trying to figure out who is going to replace him and moving schedules around and stuff. I wish him luck in life and I hope he figures out whatever is ailing him. It's weird, we were work friends for sure and all of a sudden he's just gone. I don't think I'll ever see him again.

Saturday, I have my wife's family reunion to attend before work, so again that'll be a busy day. Sunday I have improv class. I actually turned down tickets for tonights Cardinals Game because I think it'll be good to chill for tonight. What a week!

Next week I have a show that involves taking a 4 hour workshop during the day with Improv Teacher and great Jimmy Carrane.

We get to learn from him then do a set with the class, then there are 2-3 other troupes performing including Michael Pizza.

Who apparently was voted as the best new troupe in Chicago. It should be an amazing show and I can't wait!

2011-06-11T09:07:00.002-05:00

Saturday soup? sure, why not;

So, some good stuff going on lately. I already talked about my raise and it really has gave me a bit more increased interest in my job. That and knowing that I'm not actually going to be able to quit or step down any time soon. The impatience in me would quit right now and hustle to make enough money to pay the bills. The smarter me says "let's make sure that we pick something that will actually work and then look for opportunities to take on less of a load at work." I've been doing a lot of planning lately, and a lot of negotiating within myself trying to figure out what it is I want out of life. Right now, I seem to be leaning towards using the next 6 months to a year to really find my niche and make sure I refine my skills so that I can use that to my advantage. For instance, I remembered a few weeks ago that I like kids (I say remembered because I used to be a pre K teacher and I've always loved kids, but somewhere along the lines, probably because I don't interact with them much anymore, I forgot that I had that skill) and I'm really good at relating and working with them. So, naturally, I think about tutoring. Well, what could I tutor a kid in? I am good in math, at least up to Algebra, probably some Geometry. I played the saxophone for seven years. That idea sparked an internal debate... I started playing sax when I was 11. Does that mean I have 17 years of experience? Before saying no, the argument I can make is, I still KNOW how to play it. It's not like someone who works with construction who doesn't do it for 10 years and the technology passes him up. The technology of a saxophone has NOT changed at all. I could most likely pick it up and be AS good or better than I was at my peak, in just a matter of months. So, that's something to think about. The only real reason to answer that NO would be the ethics of it maybe. Either way, that is a skill that I have that I could definitely, with a refresher course, teach to students. I also have the idea of doing an improv type club/class. Why not? I think it's the greatest thing in the world and everyone should at least experience it. So why not spread that?

I guess the ultimate thing with all of these would be that I would be in charge of my success and my failure. How exciting that is! No one else would be responsible for me. Also, however, hard I work the more rewarding it will be! I know that scares some folks, but not this guy.

I'd also like to talk for a minute about my wife. A few weeks ago, I posted some pretty bad things and our marriage was looking really bleak. She is truly a different person - when she's not on pain medicine. It's not even close. We (playfully) danced the other day together. That has not happened in a very long time. Last night she was actually talking about pursuing a career that she's always wanted to do. She gets bogged down a bit by the idea of how much schooling it could be, but she's at least talking about it. She's thinking of the idea that she might not be on disability anymore. Is there anything more inspiring than your disabled spouse talking about getting past that and becoming who they always wanted to be? I think disability is more of a mental hurdle than physical. Obviously, the physicalness of any injury or condition is real, but you HAVE to eventually accept who you are physically. Mentally, you can lock yourself up for as long as you want to. Now, she's thinking clearly and she wants more from life. This is the woman I married. This is the woman that I thought was lost. I hope it continues. It's been so long, it's hard not to be somewhat skeptical. I will do whatever I can to encourage her continuing down this path.

Reading really inspires me. I try to tell people about the books I read, but it's usually pretty obvious, that they don't really care. That's okay. I understand that some people are skeptical about "self-help" books and the idea that a book will make your life better, may seem weird. I don't look to change my life with books. I look for inspiration and learning something I didn't know before. To me, everyone is capable of getting smarter than they are right now. I've read it in a few places now, I think next time I read something it will be on a subject that is completely foreign to me. That's truly getting smarter. I guess my ultimate goal in life is to NOT end up like the rest of my family. I feel like everyday I get closer and closer to that goal.

Holla!

2011-06-09T08:50:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, I decided to make up a bullet point sheet followed by 3 pages of graphs and stats and fax it to my boss, requesting a 15$ a day raise. Usually, the raise we get, when we get one is only an extra 5$ a day. Honestly, I was hoping to at least settle at $10. Well, yesterday I got the news, that they gave me the full raise I requested. YES! It's a 14% increase in pay and an extra $300 a month. Pretty sweet!

It's Official, Back in school

2011-06-07T08:34:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I started my 1st summer class and my first class since 2005. Woohoo! Bad part of course is I had to spend $41 in books. It's an online course, so I didn't actually GO to a class, but it appears like online work is a bit more than I remember it being. That's alright though. I usually do pretty well at assignments and such.

Also, last night my softball team won it's first game and it's 2nd game... ever! LMAO. We went all of last year without a win (not counting the one forfeit we got). Well, last night, with a make shift lineup, the stars must've aligned (there was an earthquake in the middle of the night, hmmmm?) for us and helped us get a win in each game of the double header. Basically, the team didn't make the same silly mistakes they've made and we hit pretty well. I didn't. I pitched awesome though. I worked in a new pitch and it went over pretty well. The first game we kept them to 5 runs, winning 8-5. The 2nd game, I guess they figured me out a little bit better, because they scored 13, but our 14 showed them we could hit as well. It's nice to actually gets some Ws.

Trying to remember

2011-06-05T09:46:00.002-05:00

I'll probably look at my blog for some help, but I was thinking yesterday, what my life was like before improv. I seriously, can't remember doing anything. Then upon thinking more, the only thing I remember doing on days off or extra time was playing video games and watching tv... basically, NOTHING. Nothing productive anyways. I remember lots of days of sitting around HOPING something would come along to get me motivated or develop a passion, something to do. Which is probably why when I found improv, I jumped in head first. Not to mention I just love every aspect of it, including the little bit of fear it causes. I feel very fortunate in finding it and the people and friends I've met because of it. I really feel like it's given me some purpose in life that wasn't there before.

Read a really good book last week called "Drive" by Daniel Pink. It basically talks about what actually motivates people in life. Most people think it's money, especially when talking about OTHER people. In the book, Pink introduces a bunch of case studies and companies that are doing things differently from the management model that we've been using for a hundred years. He believes that people are motivated by 3 things, 1, autonomy 2, mastery and 3, purpose. Autonomy is governing yourself. Not so much independence, because through autonomy you can do it interdependently, but basically, in the case of a job, you have choices and generally you run yourself. Mastery is basically just a skill that you can continue to get better at. Purpose being something that you feel is bigger than you that you are also doing something for.

Money, Pink argues, can motivate people who are responsible for extrinsic jobs, basically jobs that are "if-then" or the path is clearly defined, like step by step and where you don't have to be very creative to accomplish something. However, he says, most jobs don't require that anymore. Most jobs require at least some intrinsic work. This is right brain stuff, where you have to be creative to get things done. For these types of jobs, people need autonomy, mastery, and purpose to stay completely engaged and motivated to continue doing this work.

I suggest the book to anyone who wants to learn how to manage people, or have a deeper understanding of the human psyche. It's definitely a book I want to keep around, so I can better take in some of the things it's saying. If you are interested in a short video take a look at Pink talk at this TED conference video:

Ready for Long Form 2 improv!

2011-05-30T16:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was our 8th and final class of Longform 1. It was supposed to be 8 weeks long, but due to holidays and the teacher having to cancel it actually lasted about 11. Seems like I've been going forever. Next up is Level 2 longform which teaches scene work. Basically, it's the 1000 jumpshots a day class... nothing but scene after scene and work and work and work some more. We will be getting a critique and notes based upon whats working and what's not working. I'm very excited. This should end up being the biggest stepping stone into improv. Taking the classes I have my biggest complaint is usually that there's not enough criticizing going on. But, this class should present plenty of that.

The last class was a bit interesting. Instead of learning we talked about what we had learned and what we will be learning going forward. Mostly though we sat in a circle and one by one told each other what we liked about each other. The idea is that we will go through all 5 levels with each other, so it's important to build relationships and trust amongst each other. It wasn't something forced, people were asked to say something if they had something to say. Most people said something about everyone. I made a point to say something positive about each person. It was a fun experience and you got to see what others thought of you. The teacher even chimed in. I was pretty happy with my feedback. It came out that I was very energetic about improv, during scenes and even during other peoples scenes. My love for improv was noticeable by everyone including the teacher. He even went so far as to say that I reminded him of himself, when he was starting out. I was an improv nerd. He even went as far as to liken me to some of the best improvisers in St. Louis, including his co-teacher for the Improv Shop. That made me feel awesome and I'm glad I come across like that. One of the members mentioned the class where I pretty much coached the people, because the teacher had an emergency. He said it was one of his fondest memories and he believed I would be a coach someday. My optimism also comes out, apparently. One of the group said that he looked at me as a guy who if presented with a pair of tooth picks and told to build a bridge that I would instantly start forming a plan and getting it done. Lots of LOVE.

It's hard sometimes, because I want to ask people how they perceive me, but it's all out of ego and insecurity, so obviously I don't. So, to get to hear these people voluntarily (sort of) express these opinions of me, it felt really good. The ultimate way to determine if you are a good improviser or not is by how many people want to perform with you. Well, it seems as though all of my class loves to perform with me, so I must be doing okay.

Just do

2011-05-29T00:00:00.003-05:00

The last few days my wife has been detoxing. She has been on Oxy for the last month and the surgeon will not give her anymore. Not only that but the surgeon doesn't want her on Vicodin either. She's been on that for years. So, she has been struggling. No throwing up, but she is hot then cold, she has no appetite, she is having trouble swallowing even tylenol, and she's hearing country music, when there is none. Definitely some major withdrawals happening. Today, though she seemed to be ALOT better. In fact, she seemed a lot like the woman I used to know, the woman I married. At one point she was dancing and acting goofy and another we were actually having a good conversation. It was like a switch was flipped.

Of course, the question will be "Is this going to stick?" She says she doesn't want to be on pain pills any longer. She wants to lose weight and see a pain management specialist. I really hope that is what happens. If this is a glimpse of what will become then it will make my life a LOT better. Instead of feeling like I'm alone in a marriage, I will have a partner again. She did express some feelings of worry today. She has had some LONG days lately, because as she put it, "while you are on drugs, time doesn't really matter." Now shes in her head all day, wondering what she's supposed to do with this time. I really hope and I encouraged her to find something to put some work into. Even if it's something that doesn't make money... every person needs a hobby of some sort. I would prefer she do something involving children, because that is truly when she is happiest.

She gets onto me about doing so much stuff, but I do it because I know how I am and if I'm not doing something, I feel like I'm not being productive and that drives me crazy. That's why I constantly find shit to do.

So, things could be looking up.

Today was my student showcase, my 4th one actually. Every 4 weeks we go to classes, then the 5th week we have a showcase in front of friends and family. It was really good. I've been doing improv now for almost 6 months. That's pretty awesome. I'm so thankful to have founded improv in St. Louis. I didn't know I was looking for it, but it's been a part of me all along. It has boosted my self esteem and given me purpose. I've met a lot of great people and consider a good chunk of them friends. I think about it all the time and am constantly wondering how I can have more of it. It's so amazing. I wish everyone knew about it. I wish everyone could experience the joy I do when I am on stage performing. In the moment, not thinking, not worrying. Just doing. Life needs more outlets where you can JUST DO.

I'm right here...

2011-05-23T20:41:00.004-05:00

I want to preface this by saying, I realize that my posts are mostly negative lately. That doesn't mean my life is terrible, by any means. I actually enjoy my life alot. Unfortunately, though, when I have time to write posts or I get in the spirit of writing a post, something negative is going on. I'm posting that for my own good as well as anyone who reads. I like to go back and look at posts, and I don't want to think of this time as a dark and dreary period of life.

With that said... something negative... :(

My wife's biggest complaint to me and about me is that I'm never home anymore. Yet, 3 out of the last 4 days that I HAVE been home here is what happens: She sleeps, I sit in living room, doing nothing. That's it. In fact, the other day, I had nothing to do, she picked a fight with me about nothing, then immediately passed out. She apologized in the morning and we did go out that evening, but it was basically because she felt guilty. So, now it's Monday, I have nothing going on and instead of us watching a movie, sitting in the same room, talking, she's snoring loud enough for me to hear her from the kitchen. Another problem is she is drugged up ALL the time. I realize it's because she's in pain and that she is taking prescription medicine, but it is seriously VERY difficult living with someone who is constantly high. She has trouble admitting it, probably because she's an addict, but it's true. She is addicted to pain pills and I guarantee she does not just use them for pain relief. She drops things constantly because she falls asleep in the middle of doing everything.

With that said, she is doing better... she is working out, she's going to physical therapy, she does things around the house, but that has NOTHING to do with her complaint about me. Which leads me to believe it's something else. I'm not a psychologist but I like it and often read stuff about it, but I know it has to be something she either isn't saying or doesn't know how to say. It's probably even sub-conscious. My guess is that it's either a) Misery truly loves company. She is miserable, because she is disabled at the age of 30 and doesn't like to see me have a good life. b) She is jealous that I'm able to do things that she isn't (kind of the same as A). or c) she's just a terrible person and can't see her own faults and where any of this is wrong. I think the least chance is C, but surely there are terrible people out there. This sounds mean and terrible for me to say, but I don't know what else it could be.

I'm right here. I'm not out. I have no plans. I'm home. She is sleeping. Tomorrow, I'll be out and she'll be pissed off. Can't wait.

Resistance

2011-05-20T21:56:00.002-05:00

... very frustrated and annoyed right now. But, I hesitate to write it down. Bad moods should be in silence. Sleep deprivation too. Think I might go insane some day.

Learning a lot

2011-05-16T17:42:00.002-05:00

I don't watch TV anymore. I don't play video games anymore. I like it. I didn't purposely quit doing those things, nor do I think it's necessary to not do those things. I just have no desire to do them anymore. Since January, the only show I've watched weekly is Survivor. I don't really miss anything. I'll catch up eventually. Everyday I'm reading blogs, reading books, making plans, setting goals, learning and soaking in as much information as possible. The last few days I've been pretty tired. In fact, I had to force myself to take a break for about half an hour. I watched tv... flipping channels trying to find anything I felt like watching. It reminded me that usually there's not something I feel like watching, so why watch it? But the break was needed so I took it and got right back into what I've been doing. I enjoy it. I feel like I'm learning so much lately. My new favorite blogs to visit are Derek Sivers blog and Ramit Sethi's blog. I just love the passion you can tell they have in their posts. I could listen to someone talk about their passion for hours. I remember when I was younger and my (now) brother in law, who worked after school let out at the same place I did, would talk about what he learned in Math or science that day. I like math and science, but I'm not passionate about either. Yet, I would listen very attentively to him and loved watching his face light up when he talked about them. Some people would make comments that no one knew what he was talking about and didn't care... to me that's sad. Here's someone telling you about something they really care about and you just dismiss them? Hate that.

Today I posted some goals and other plans me and my wife have made on the walls. I firmly believe in writing down goals and setting plans in motion by keeping them present in your mind. The way I do it at work is to post things on walls, so that people see them and no what we are trying to accomplish. It works great. In fact, in the last 3 weeks, my store has beaten our sales record Twice (we did it again last week). That's pretty awesome! There's a chance I wont be there very much longer, but I'm not using that as an excuse to quit doing a great job. I love doing better than everyone else. We hadn't beaten the sales record since last February, so it was nice to beat it again and then again, to show it wasn't a fluke. I'm pretty sure that even if I don't quit, I can demand a raise at work at this point.

I've decided not to put a time table on quitting my job. If it happens in a few months, great, but I'm going to make sure that I have something going on before it happens. I don't want to quit and start another full time job (unless I have trouble getting through school!), I'd rather quit and have a freelance (side) income going on and then take on a limited role at the same place or a different job. Time is going to be important for me.

One of my wife's goals is to get active. I've come up with an idea to make a 30 day calendar of things to help "Get Active!" that I can use for myself as well. Basically, each day will be a 3-5 minute easy activity that gets our heart rates going. If its all laid out, all we have to do is look to see what day it is and do the activity. I'll post it when I complete it! We have a different but equally difficult mountain to climb and the only way we are going to make it out is to do it together.

Officially going to school

2011-05-11T00:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I officially paid for the class I registered for this Summer. So, it's official, I'm back in school! Yay! It's an online course, so it should be a smooth transition back into it. It's an intro to mass Communications. It goes along with a Communication Arts degree, which is what I decided I was going to shoot for. I'm hoping in fall I can afford and be able to go full time. If not, I should be able to do at least two classes. I haven't been in school since 05. I envy people who were smart enough to finish college right out of high school. It's the only real regret I have in life. Really there was no good reason for me not to. I think I just lost focus at some point. I hope that I can be done in two years or less with my degree. If I had my way I would go 21 hours each semester and be done in a year. Tomorrow I'm off work, so hopefully me and the wife can sit down and reassess what we want to do and make plans for our finances as well as our weight loss again. We don't talk about life enough and we need to has some plans out.

By the way, I just read a fantastic Finance book called "I will teach you to be rich" by Ramit Sedhi... It sounds like it's a gimmick book or a get rich quick, it's actually quite the opposite. It talks about the long term and I really enjoyed the section on Conscious spending plans. Basically, it preaches buying things that are important to you in life and not wasting money on things that aren't. Each reader is encouraged to find what makes them feel "rich" and be willing to accept that for some it might be new jeans every week, while others want a great portfolio. No answer is the wrong answer, because it's your life. I like his website too, and all the talk about free lancing is inspiring. I encourage anyone to check it out. I'm hoping the wife will read it, because I'd like to implement some things that I read in the book with our finances.

Surgery went well

2011-05-06T12:59:00.002-05:00

The surgery went well, sorry I waited so long to post. Samantha has had the laptop mostly. It lasted 7 hours. The doctor was happy with how everything turned out and she spent 2 days in the hospital. She came home on Wednesday night. She's already walking around without help and she seems like she will be making a great recovery.

Some serious tidbits is that we had a pretty serious talk yesterday. For months I've had this bubble of seperation inside of me aimed at her. It's basically been growing and growing and finally it came out last night. It's very tough for me to be in this relationship sometimes. I know it's not all her fault, we have grown apart in many ways since we got married 8 years ago. On this blog, I've talked about a lot of the frustrations and mostly it just seems like we are two completely different people. We don't have a lot in common nor do we have the same views on life. It gets brought to the forefront a lot lately, because she feels like I don't want to spend any time with her and every night I seem to be doing something alone. I feel like being an active person is who I am. I've forgotten that for the past 6-8 years and it's hard to argue that I was a happy person. I feel happier and more fulfilled when I am doing something I love to do. I realize the thing I love to do changes every few years, but again, that's who I am, clearly. The only thing that hasn't changed and in fact has been true all of my life is that I like to be busy. I feel like I should achieve something every single day of my life. If I sleep past 10am, I feel awful and like I'm wasting the day. It's who I am. It's NOT who she is.

Then comes along her depression and the fact that she never wants to do anything that involves getting out of bed. That makes things exponentially harder to deal with. She feels no need to be productive (other than what I nag her about) and while she has for sure gotten better in some respects over the last few years, it's always a battle and constantly up and down. Living with someone who is in a depression this deep is VERY VERY difficult. I always hope that something better is in store and that over time, she'll bust out of it. It's been 4 years and this is her 2nd back surgery. I feel great empathy and sympathy towards her for what she's been through. I realize it's not her fault completely what has happened to her body. But, I don't believe that life should be lived in bitterness, regret, and with not accomplishing anything. This is what drives me away from her.

After all was said and done last night, she asked me not to give up on her yet and that she would improve and change who she is. The argument is said all the time that people don't change. I disagree with this, because I changed. I used to be very negative and made it a point in my life to become positive. I am very positive now and basically, it's to the point where I could be determined as a dreamer. I don't care. I would rather be unrealistic and dreaming then accept the "realist" point of view and fall into a negative sub-conscious about everything. I know people can change and it starts with changing your mindset. It starts with reading things that help you to figure out your triggers and why you behave certain ways. Keeping this blog has helped me. It's basically been a free therapy session every week for the last 4 years. I love going back and reading some blog posts. Often times, I don't remember writing them and I wonder how I reacted in that way. My wife has to find what works for her. If this marriage is important to her, which I know it is, then she needs to break out of what's holding us back. I feel like the ball's in her court.

Surgery Day

2011-05-02T07:52:00.001-05:00

Samantha is having surgery today. It's basically the same procedure she had about 4 years ago. It's almost 8am and she just went in. They expect her to be in surgery till at least 3 pm. She is really nervous about the surgery and woke me up this morning with her having a panic attack. I'm just staying positive about the whole thing and I hope that it helps her regain some of her life back. Ultimately, I hope it leads to her changing her life, losing weight, and being a more active person. If nothing else though it should help relieve some pain and discomfort. Good luck to my wife!

Busy Weekend

2011-04-30T09:00:00.002-05:00

Last night I saw the Documentary "I Am" which is by the same guy who did Liar Liar, Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty and other comedies. Basically, the guy Tom Shadyac, got into a bicycle accident which caused him to get a concussion. The concussion syptoms led him into a depression and he had thoughts of death. After a few months of his isolation he snapped out of it one day. But, while in that depression he thought about his life and what he wanted to leave the world with. Once he was freed from that though, he stayed in that moment and decided to travel the world and talk to scholars, philosophers, and other super smart people. He wanted to find out what was wrong with the world and how to fix it. Basically, it ended up expressing how scientifically, we are all connected and that while many think it's human nature to kill or be killed, it's actually more HUMAN to co-operate with each other. One of the more interesting things they talked about were these studies that were performed on deer and other animals. They wanted to see who made the choices for the herd. Naturally, you would think it was the dominant male of the group. But, what they found day after day, was that decisions like going to a watering hole were actually made by the majority of the deer. Throughout the day deer would point with their noses to a certain watering hole. When 51% of the deer pointed at the same watering hole they ALL almost instantly navigated toward that watering hole to drink. Often times the dominant one was the last to realize they had all went that way.

So, basically it's saying that even animals use democracy and what's best for the majority as a way of making decisions. It's not 1 person or 1 dominant speaking for the entire tribe or herd. Pretty interesting, I think.

Overall, it was a good documentary, in how it was produced, directed, and it's content. I think I posted it on my blog already, but he was the one who was quoted as saying "If you are not doing what you love you are killing yourself" (on Oprah, prolly paraphrased again).

Today, I'm going to the Touhill performing Arts Center for a Second City production. They are in St. Louis putting on shows all weekend, and I got two free tickets. That should be fun.

Tomorrow, Bill Chott is in town teaching, so I'm going to take his Noon seminar and then I have my long form class at 5. So, I have a busy weekend going on and I love it!

Enrolled in School

2011-04-28T01:00:00.001-05:00

I officially enrolled in a class for this summer, today. Intro to Mass Communications, an online course. It'll be the first time I've taken classes since 2005. I figure in the fall, I'll take as many as possible.

Samantha and I have been talking recently about me stepping down as GM or finding a new job that doesn't require as much of my time. The idea is to take classes with hopes of getting a better job out of it. Making the same income I do now, I only need to make about 13$ an hour working 4o hours a week. But, we actually dont NEED to make that much money. We have a little wiggle room. If I can ever get a bank roll I could easily use poker to supplement my income. Worst case scenario is that I go back to Domino's. I don't plan on quitting suddenly or anything, so not to burn any bridges. So, I could definitely go back, if I need to. It's not going anywhere.

I'm excited. Change, for me is always exciting.

Continuation from Last post

2011-04-24T10:42:00.003-05:00

I cut off myself from that last post, I was at work and got busy. So, in a way this is a continuation...

So, anyways, I'm kind of stuck right now. Like most people there's stuff I want to do and there's stuff I have to do. The people who are truly happy in the world find a nice balance between both or they are both intertwined. I think my biggest problem is that I've always fought what I wanted to do in life. I could never make up my mind. Even now, it's hard to say or figure out fully what that is. The truth is I think in a way I've always known what I wanted but I can't bring myself to accept it. Ever since I was in school, I've wanted to perform and talk in front of people. I am great at coaching people as well. Almost everyone I've ever talked to talks about how nervous they get in front of crowds or people, I don't. At all. I had a student showcase last night that went very well. I felt like I was the best performer last night and I did not get nervous in the least. It felt comfortable, it felt right. The problem with that is that other people's perceptions of "performing" as not a real job has creeped into my mind as well. I have to fight the fact that it's usually considered a hobby or something fun to do, not something you do for a living. Yet, people do it everyday.

I'm not even talking about being a movie star making 20 million dollars a picture. That's really rare and those people are truly gifted/lucky. I'm okay if that never happens. I'm talking about the people out there making 25-35k a year, doing what they love as a job. It's NOT that much money. Why should I feel stuck at a job making exactly that? I clearly have a gift that most people don't have. I should be able to find a venue to use it to my advantage.

One of the biggest issues with me is that I have a wife. That might sound terrible, but it's realistic. I have a responsibility. Not only that, but my wife is unable to work. She makes Rent money each month through disability, but not much more. It's nice to have that, don't get me wrong, but if she were able to work a job, especially the job she was working before, she would be making 3 times that and I wouldn't have to worry about the amount of money I make. But, that's real life for me. I can't live in a "what if" world of "I wish things were different." But, at the same time, does that mean my life is over? Does that mean I should just give up any hope I have of being something I really want to be in life? I'm only 28 years old. Lots of actors and comedians didn't start getting popular until they were late 30s and 40s. There's no reason to think that if I go down this path, I wont make it. Eventually, maybe I'll realize I don't quite have the talent, but even if I have a mediocre amount of talent, that could land me a job I really love or in a career that's better than slinging pizzas.

I do this a lot. I know I do. I'm definitely a grass is greener guy. My philosophy on life though kind of promotes that though, I guess. I believe in NEVER giving up on what you want to be or do in life. Even if that changes every 3-4 years. So, what if you do something different all the time. I'm learning that I have a LOT of experiences in life that others don't necessarily get. Mainly, because I take chances. I fail too. So what? Failure is okay. Giving up is NOT. I hope to use the rest of this year to really gain my acting and improv legs. I'm training my ass off this year and I'm even considering some training options in Chicago. Next year, I truly hope that I've got this part of my life figured out, one way or the other. I think I'm even going to take some college training. I'd like a business management class, a creative writing class, and some form of the arts class. If by next year, I'm still gung ho about performing, I'm going to go for it.

My 20 year old assistant manager at work said he saw an interview with a director on Oprah. I don't remember the guys name but he said "If you are not doing what you truly love in life, then a piece of you is dying every day." (that may be a bit of a paraphrase, but pretty close) It's so true. Why not keep trying to get to that point in life?

What to do, what to be

2011-04-22T13:53:00.002-05:00

Life is hard. Obviously. Which isn't a bad thing. I don't mind life being hard. I hope I never fully figure it out. Good thing too, since chances are I wont. I've decided that whatever my future holds, creativity has to be a part of it. People struggle to be creative. To me that's sad. Whenever I sit down to write or get on stage to perform, it just comes natural to me. It flows from me. That's a gift. I realize that now. Even if it's mostly shit, have you seen the stuff that's on TV? There's a lot of it out there. Maybe my shit is as good as their shit. Maybe not. But, I believe it could be. I try not to trap myself into thinking that my friends and family are being honest with me, when they say I'm fun to watch or I write good stuff. But, I get to hear it from outside sources. From people that have no reason to worry about my feelings. I'm also not the person that goes around "how was it? Was it good? Did you love it?" No, I sit back and people go out of their way to say it's good stuff. That's fun. That's exciting. That's encouraging. That let's me know I have SOMETHING.

I'm a natural leader

2011-04-19T10:31:00.002-05:00

This past Sunday, we were informed that our class was canceled. The long form improv class. This always saddens me, because I start looking forward to this class as soon as it ends on Sunday. I just wanna do this every single day of my life. So, I went on facebook and posted to my improv friends that I wanted to try and get together still to get my improv fix. One person responded and said he would be at the Tin Can, which is where our class is, at 5. So, I went and luckily, 3 other people hadn't checked their email so they didn't know class was canceled. We did our own class. It was pretty good actually. When I first went in there I decided I wasn't going to try and lead, because I didn't want to step on people's toes, but also, I don't know a whole lot more than they do. I thought the other guy, who is a college professor would actually take over the lead, so I was willing to let him. Wrong! I soon found myself teaching them and coaching them on what we've already learned in class and what I've read in books. I purposely made sure I wasn't getting out of hand and hopefully, it came off as confidence but not arrogance or overbearingness (that's not a word.. oh well). In fact, one of the students told me afterwards that he thought I did a damn good job and that I have a future in coaching improv. Thanks!

I just can't help myself. I always take the leadership role in everything I do. It just really comes natural. Even back in school whenever a "team" project would have to be done, I was elected or considered by all to be the leader position. It's probably due to the fact that I'm the oldest and had a lot of responsibility growing up. I'm usually the smartest or most knowledgeable of the group I'm in as well. Like in improv, I've been in the same class these people are, but due to my reading and general understanding of improv I actually am a bit more advanced than they are. I seek out information though, so it's not their fault, if they aren't into it as much as I am. Regardless, it was pretty awesome and I feel like the practice went really well. I just hope I actually taught them something and don't find out down the line, something I said was wrong or actually made them worse improvisers.

So, I'm kind of searching for a new job. I've sent out about 4 resumes now. The problem is I don't know what job exactly that I want. I wrote a list down the other day of what I'd like to do in a job...

Make at least 35k a year. (that's 9k more than my base now)
Work on projects or lead teams.
Able to be creative and have my ideas played out. Basically, I have ideas all the time, it'd be nice if I could actually use some of them.
Work M-F, with some Saturdays. No weekends, holidays, or nights... basically a job not in the food industry and that has "regular" hours. I get very jealous of people who can say TGIF, or that get off on Holidays. I haven't had a job that allowed that in a LONG time.
Something that I can achieve a bonus through work performance. Shouldn't everything be based upon how well you do something? Which is why I never understood why Ricky Williams (the rb drafted by the Saints long ago) got so beat up over his incentive laden based contract. That's how they should all be.

I want a job where I'm required to do math, reading, writing, spreadsheets, and powerpoint. I want to present things. I want to have to talk to people in meetings. I want that role.

I'd love the flexibility of working from home sometimes. That would be amazing.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the things I want. I want to be challenged. I want a tough job. Obviously, the main problem is that finding these things or this job is hard unless you start from the bottom or have Mega experience in that field. I have been a general Manager for two years... that's about all I got going for me.

I wont be super upset if I don't find a job soon. On the contrary, if it ends up being the job I want, I will wait. I'm not totally aggravated from my current job yet, but I feel it coming. Every week the higher ups are squeezing tighter and tighter and making it harder and harder to enjoy this job. Plus, I don't want to move "up" in their company. I put that in parenthesis because moving up is actually almost a step sideways. You become a middle man. Someone that the Gms bitch to and someone that the VP bitches to. They threaten your job constantly and overall it's a miserable experience. I see it in my boss. Plus, it's not much of a raise. It's sad really. So, ya, I'll pass.

I realized yesterday, that I probably should've gone to school and been an engineer. Bummer.

FBI Seizes Online Poker Sites!

2011-04-15T16:00:00.002-05:00

Figures, just when I make a post about getting back into online poker, this happens. Wow! Reportedly the FBI has put a US lockdown on Stars and Full Tilt Poker. I've been googling it for a few minutes now to find out more. Hopefully, everyone who has money in the sites, get's it. WOW. what a nightmare!

Heres a link to one of the articles.

Leaving money on the table

2011-04-13T08:33:00.003-05:00

I came to a conclusion yesterday. I was sitting around talking to one of my employees and we were talking about how easy it would be to run a vending machine business. Basically, you set em up, you check on them once a week, and the money comes in. Pretty close to passive income. Both of us started wondering what it would be like and, while I'm sure it's NOT that simple or maybe it is, we were trying to figure out how much money we'd make doing it. That got me to thinking about poker, again. Why am I not playing poker? I sit around thinking of ways to make an extra income, when there's been this the whole time. I am good at poker. I'm a long term winner at poker. I could prop and make 80% rakeback. I could fairly easily put in 10 hours a week. Also, because Ryan just recently won a bunch of money he has offered to stake me a bankroll to get started. So, the conclusion I came to is that if I'm not playing poker then I am leaving money on the table. There's no reason not to play. Well, one, for now is that I have to get my desktop working again. I am getting a re-format disk from a friend, so hopefully that will fix it. I definitely have to have my own computer to do it, because my wife is on this laptop 24 hours a day and hates to give it up for even a half an hour.

So, once my desktop is set up, I'm going to start playing poker again. There's just no reason not to. I think my reservations were in that a part of me hates how it ended the last time I got into it. But, things have changed now and I wouldn't be spending all my time doing it. It would actually be a part time job, from home, at any time of day I want, completely flexible... which is BY FAR the greatest attributes a part time job can have.

My brother has been playing on a propping site, Rakeback Nation, at a site that apparently is really soft and has decent traffic, TRUE Poker. He has been making a killing with the rakeback offer (80%) and earning about 25 dollars an hour at 50 NL. Even if I earn half that it's way worth it.

So, I'm excited. This blog will be getting some poker content on it again! There has been quite a lay off.

In the world of Improv I performed last night. This really really really really drunk old guy was there and he kept interrupting everyone's set. Saying things like "I found Jesus," to "that's good, that's good, hahaha," then "ahh, do better. do better. I could do better than these kids, they got nothin on me, " then the killer of the night "I got six inches and can please everyone here." After he said that one and started approaching the stage the person on stage "died" and apparently it worked because he turned around and started walking away. I'm sorry did I say walking? He fell... for no apparent reason. A bunch of coins fell out of his pocket, like he'd just been killed in Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. He was okay though and went back to his drunken entertainment. It was pretty amazing and everyone was dying. By far the most entertaining night ever at Lemmons. I honestly don't remember if I did a good job of improvising or not, because I was too busy laughing about this crazy dude.

This Saturday, I shoot the short film I'm going to be making my acting debut in! The script is terrible, but whatever. I have like two scenes and I intend to do my best. Hopefully, it gets me in the inner circle and I get more from it. Also, this Sunday I am auditioning with a monologue at a company that focuses on plays and monologues/performances about depression. Basically, they are looking for people who suffer or people who are afflicted by sufferers of depression. I don't know how this will end up, but I'm sure I'll do well for my monologue. If they want me though and it adds to my already busy schedule too much, I'll have to turn them down. I want to get some audition and monologue reading practice in though, so it'll be good either way.

I'm enjoying coming up with sketches and skits lately. I'm writing a lot of stuff. It's fun. Most of it wont amount to anything, but the creative juices are flowing and that's always awesome. I will post some on here, when I finish some of them.

Tension is rising

2011-04-11T12:57:00.002-05:00

The surgery is inching closer and closer and things are definitely tensing up a little bit. The wife seems to be falling back into her depression more and doesn't want to do anything. Meanwhile, I'm trying to treat life as usual and yesterday, we had another (mini) fight about me "doing too much." It's just more annoying then anything and puts me in a funk. This morning I felt like she was very selfish and woke me up before it was time to tell me I was walking to work in the "pouring rain," as she put it. She needed to use the car, but as of yesterday the time difference wasn't a big deal. I guess she got up and got ready early so she wanted to leave, which meant I had to get up early and get ready. Again, just annoying and puts me in a funk. Not a fun way to start the day.

Class at the Improv Shop was awesome yesterday! We focused on "status" of the scene. Basically, we learned that in life the most interesting relationships are usually found in people who have similar or close statuses. So, a lot of times when we perform a scene it's better to make a choice along those lines instead of picking two statuses with big gaps in them, that would lead to either not a relationship or just plain boring. Everyone in the class did really well. I've recently started a FB page for St. Louis improv, because I feel there is a void of togetherness with it. I hope for it to be a central location where all improv is talked about. When I first had the idea, I visualized almost a poker training website format. Videos, articles, critique, etc. I don't know how much I can translate that over into a FB page, but I'm going to try. There are so many small factions in the improv community and I'm hoping I can bridge the gap a little bit. The good thing is, if it doesn't work, it was free and I can just delete it. No biggie.

I decided the other day that I'm worth more money than I'm making. Sounds egotistical, but the more experience I have in life and the more I see others who are clearly not as bright, clever, and achievement-oriented as I am (okay that's egotistical) making more money, way more money than I am, that's a problem. Why can't I make more money? Right now, it's just a matter of finding the right job. I'm pretty bored with mine lately. I never wanted to work for Domino's pizza for life, so I've decided to seek out new opportunities and keep my eyes open for a job making more money than I am now. Ideally, at least 10k more. The jobs exist. Maybe they aren't that wide open, obviously, because of the economy and such, but if one comes open, I'm going to give it my all. If it doesn't work out or if I get it and lose it or don't like it, guess what... Domino's will ALWAYS be here. No sweat. I need to come up with a good resume.

Cousin moved out

2011-04-05T09:44:00.002-05:00

It was supposed to last a few days, instead he stayed with us for a few months. Finally, though yesterday, we moved him into my wife's dad's house. He is a pastor and often takes people in who are struggling in life. Pretty much his last few weeks were just spent on our couch and due to his injury he wasn't allowed back to work. I think he has a doctor's appointment coming up that my wife plans on taking him to. She is the bleeding heart in all of this. For some reason, she really feels the need to help him out. She made a point to tell him we weren't abandoning him and that we are just a phone call away. Hopefully, he can not get into trouble while living with my father in law. It's a safe good place to stay and he just basically needs to rest and eventually have surgery so he can get back to work.

I feel terrible for my cousin. It's so obvious how messed up he is due to his upbringing. He's only like 2 or 3 years older than I am, but he looks so much older and worn down. Such different paths we are on, yet so similar a child hood we had. I felt bad not taking him anywhere the last month or so. But, honestly, we haven't had much money and I felt like I had to entertain him or give him a few dollars every time we went somewhere. He was supposed to get a final check from work, but for some reason didn't. He borrowed some money from us, that I'm guessing we'll never see again. We just can't afford to have a 30 year old living off of us. Especially, right now, after just moving, bills are pretty tight.

The new apartment is pretty nice. I like having everything in the apartment and I actually walked to work, yesterday.

I got extremely frustrated at Improv class on Sunday. I felt like most of the students didn't listen to what we were learning and instead just acted retarded when they got on stage. Several times, I was in a scene and was trying to establish something or take it into a direction when I was interrupted by someone else, who I guess had determined they were going to throw it in a completely different direction. For example, the theme of the class was finding and exploiting patterns basically. Usually, something odd. The goal was to let something develop and then push it to it's limits. So, at the end, I started a scene that was two soccer players. I began telling the other person how better I was than they are. About a minute into the scene an improviser jumps in as "the coach" and starts yelling in my face and trying to get me to do running drills. Where the hell is that going to go? The rest of the scene was just her screaming and making crazy noise. In another one an improviser came in and pretty much did the same thing.

It's not bad to come in a scene. What is bad is to come in a scene because you think it's stupid or not going anywhere or even worse, before it's even established and try to "make it funny." Often times trying to make something funny ends up doing the opposite. We are told constantly, to not to try to be funny. Let it develop. It will end up funny. So, I left class pretty frustrated and annoyed. I expressed it to my teacher and he coolly told me that it's to be expected, especially in a level 1 class. It's still an awesome class and I can't wait til Sunday each week because of it. I just remind myself that these people are new (so am I, but I don't feel like I am) and that they aren't doing it out on purpose, they just don't know any better, yet.

"No Way"

2011-04-04T20:02:00.003-05:00

That was my response at 4 in the morning to a text message from my brother. I was sleeping. His message?

"Dreyer just won 224k"

Apparently my friend Chris Dreyer who is also Ryan Carter's (from Poker dynasty!) roommate, got 4th place in the FTP Sunday Million. They made a deal at the final table and it netted him a cool Quarter Million dollars! Amazing!!!

Better even, I found out that Ryan staked him for the tournament and received half of the winnings.

Congratulations to both Ryan and Chris! I couldn't even imagine winning that kind of money... so amazing!