From Vince Lombardi

"Excellence is not achieved in never failing, but in rising after you fall."
-Vince Lombardi

This is absolutely my favorite quote of all time and I have lived my life by this since I first read it 11 years ago. At no point in my life is it more prevalent than now. A toast to the great Lombardi for inspiring for decades after he passed. Cheers!

One step closer to normalcy

On wednesday I had my internet and cable turned on at my new apartment. YES! Things are still kind of crazy for me, but that is one step into the direction I'm trying to go; forward. I've been doing a lot of thinking the last few days and I'm ready to buckle down and do what I have to do to make my life better. I plan on making a post very soon with my goals and what I plan on achieving over the next few months. I'm 25 and I just went through the biggest crisis of my life so far (unfortunately it was one of many, but it was by far the biggest). And I'm still here! I feel stronger as a person and I feel like it's time for things to turn around. But, I know they aren't going to do that on their own. I have to make it happen.

It's been over a week

It's been over a week since I last blogged. I can't believe it's been that long. I am so crazy busy lately and the internet isn't going to be turned on until wednesday. Lets see if I can get a run down of everything going on.

*My wife got out of the hospital on Tuesday of this week. I picked her up and took her to her parents. She is staying with them because they can provide 24 hour care. She has improved pretty quickly since surgery and she will be coming home soon, hopefully. She is forced to walk with a walker and can't twist or bend in certain ways. Her pain is mostly gone, but has some new pain and numbness in her feet and legs, which the doctors say is normal because of the nerves that were operated around in her back. She had 8 prescriptions to be filled when she came out. It costed us over $500 to fill those. She is not able to use the bathroom on her own and that function could take up to 18 months to heal. Pretty much when Im not at work or sleeping i am with her until she falls asleep or gets tired of me. We had some issues the day before she got out of the hospital that we had to work out. The plan is basically to focus on her health and getting her better and then worry about fixing our relationship in whichever way we need to.

*I have played MAYBE 6 or 7 hours of poker this MONTH. It sucks alot. I have to keep withdrawing parts of my bankroll to pay for things and I haven't been able to build it back up at all, so my bankroll is down to $2600. A little depressing but, then i remember that i started with 84$ and that makes me pretty proud of myself. I've spent over $3500 this week. 500 on apartment, 500 on medicine, 500 on car repairs, 100 on ticket from police, 300 on stuff for apartment, 750 on past due bills, i cant even recall where the rest went. what sucks is i need more money still. I am sleeping on the floor currently cuz i have no bed and no furniture and i have to get my car re-legalized by the end of this month. It's so crazy how many things are happening right now. I'm just trying to keep going and not think about too many things. I know it will all pass soon.

as kanye west says "N-now th-th-that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger"

untitled

I have trouble dealing with my wife a lot lately. I've been holding a lot of things against her. When I go to see her or talk to her I am easily aggravated and we end up arguing or I just try to ignore her. It's not a new issue. It's gotten worse and worse over the last 6 months or so. Sometimes I feel like I am used by her. Sometimes I feel like I am last in her life. Most of the time I feel like I can never make her happy. I get jealous over the amount of time she spends talking to other people or cutting me off to text message or answer a phone call from one of her WOW friends. One of her friends sent her flowers while she was in the hospital and it outraged me. I feel like she wishes she could leave me or has been trying to get me to leave her. I hate having these feelings and it takes a lot to admit to these feelings. I feel like the feelings I've been having are justifiable and an objective outsider would agree with me. Even so, I made a pact with myself a while ago that I would just continue to do what I thought I should do and if it wasn't good enough or if she never changed then so be it. Today at the rehab center she expressed some displeasure with me. She felt like I haven't been spending enough time with her at the rehab center or at the hospital. She felt like I should be calling her to talk to her if I'm not with her. The day of her surgery instead of being there bright and early i didn't get there until around 2 and apparently she has been holding that against me as well. This hurt me so bad. She even told me that it seemed like I didn't care about what was going on. Even now it's hard for me to hold back my emotion. I feel like everyone of her complaints/charges against me were absurd. I, of course, expressed this to her and she seemed to withdraw her statements a little. I think mostly the problem has just been due to the weird hours I keep (not waking up til 2pm everyday) and the fact that she is now on a normal person's schedule (6 am wake up). When i finally arrive everyday it is 3 or 4 pm and to her the entire day has come and gone while to me it's still "morning" time. This makes her think about me all day and the fact that I'm not there. So by the time I get there she is basically already pissed at me. I explained this to her and she agreed. She also didn't deny how terrible our relationship has been for a while and expressed that she had a newfound desire to right the ship. This of course is hard to fully believe. I try to be an optimistic person but, I know that for the last 2 weeks she has not been able to get on her video game (which has become the center for most of our problems) and so right now it seems easy to say "i wanna make things right." It might not be the best comparison but to me its like when someone who is sick or going to prison "finds God." I want to believe that she means it. I don't want to lose our marriage. But, until she shows me she meansit. I can't help but remain skeptical. My skepticism wont block any progress we might make so I think it is safe for me to be skeptical. The most important thing in my life to me is my wife. I long for the days when she shows me that she feels the same about me.

Today is my birthday

I'm 25 today. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that never makes a big deal about their birthday but, then feels like shit when no one does anything for it. It's my own fault. I've always felt like people whose birthdays get celebrated is from their own doing. Sort of a self-promotion thing. Either they whine enough to their spouse or they declare it to everyone they see the week leading up to it. I dont like people like that. That's why I don't do it. To me it's more special if someone goes out of their way to recognize you without you having to tell them. And because humans are selfish beings, that doesn't happen very often. I am mostly okay with it, but part of me wishes it wasn't that way. I certainly don't go out of my way for anyone else's birthday, so that provides me a little consolation when other's dont go out of their way for me. If that makes any sense. I purposely don't have many friends. Basically, the only friends i have are family. Now that I think about it, i have NO friends outside of family members. I never have. I just generally dont like people. LOL. Maybe that's not true. More accurately, I dont want to do what's necessary to keep friendships going. Every friend I've ever had I've lost at some point, whether due to a move, a new school, just losing touch, whatever. I find it meaningless I guess to search out new friends. I have my 2 brothers and my wife. It gets a little lonely sometimes. Certainly when I feel like I have no one to confide in. Especially in cases where I have a gripe about 1 of them. Most of the time that I feel this way is when I have something going on with my wife. I certainly can't complain to her without starting a fight and when I try to do it with my brothers I never feel like they care or can offer the correct solace (correct phrase? idk). Again, i realize these issues are all my fault. I'm way too selfish sometimes to reach out. I have issues with taking way too much burden upon myself. But, I think it's also what has made me such a strong person. It's a double edged sword I guess. Anyways, this wasn't meant to be a pity party, just a little insight into my mind.

still have tons going on. My wife is supposed to come out of rehab (physical therapy) on tuesday and then she will be going over to her parents house for about a month. I'm still supposed to be moving into a new apartment on Tuesday. Still have some things at the old house to clean and get boxed up. Have hardly played any poker at all this month. My bankroll is at 3200 after a 500$ loss yesterday, so it's only 200$ more than what i started the month at. I was hoping to be able to play a lot of poker towards the end of the month, but I don't know how it's going to play out. At my job I am switching positions. I will no longer be working inside the depot I will be delivering 2 routes. Basically I'll be doubling my hourly wage while dropping at least 5 hours a week from my work schedule. That is due to take place 8 days from now. I have been really tired lately. my sleeping schedule is totally thrown off and I've just had so much to do. I'll be happy when it's all over.

So busy lately

I am so busy with everything lately and I still have so much to do before next week. I haven't played hardly any poker at all. Fortunately, though, when I have been playing I've been doing extremely well. I have been pretty much crushing the 5/10 stud games. I choose those games very wisely though and ONLY sit when there are scrubs at the table. The last thing I wanna do is sit with a bunch of stud sharks. When that happens the only thing that determines the winner or loser is the way the cards fall. I've played alongside Kieth Sexton quite a few times now, but leave as soon as the last donk taps out. I've also been playing some Headsup Omaha games. But, once again I look for fish. How do I decide a fish? If I look at the Headsup table and the blinds are .50/1, and the guy is sitting with 31$ then he is a fish. In fact, today I sat with a guy with exactly 31$. He was broke in 1 hand. LOL. these guys are looking for a quick score and they are just itching to get all in with ANYTHING that might win. I do that in Headsup hold em as well. I wish i had a record of my results headsup, because I think I am absolutely dominated the Omaha HU and I'm winning a pretty good amount Hold em HU. I played some stud headsup but I dont like that very much. Only good players sit at the HU tables. In fact, I've noticed that there are always like 5 STud HU tables with a different person sitting at each. What does that tell you? They dont even want to play each other. Sharks dont eat other sharks. So, i'll pass.

50 NL is incredibly easier than 100 NL. I've dropped back down to 50 NL and I seriously don't even know why i left.

Football started today. The Rams stunk up the place, but there were some pretty exciting games. In my main fantasy league I scored like 20 points, which was by far the lowest point total. I think I've lost my first game of the year like 4 years in a row. The last 3 I've started out 0-3, i believe. Hopefully, I will get a win next week.

My wife is doing better. She's still in the hospital and will be for a few more days. After that she'll be going to rehab for physical therapy. The pain she is suffering now is from the huge scar on her back. She was actually sick the last few days. I'm hoping it's only because of the operation and not anything else serious. I'm anxious for her to get better now, just to see what it is like for her to not have back pain.

After 6 hours, Surgery is a success

My wife was in surgery for 6 hours today. The surgeon, obviously exhausted, looked grim as he walked toward us. A collective breath was held. Then he said, "She's doing fine. Everything went great." As one, we all released the oxygen held captive by our lungs. The only real concern about the surgery was one of the spinal fluid sacs being busted, which he said had a 1 in 3 chance of happening. He said that it didn't happen (1 time dealer, thank you.). She took about 2 hours of recovery before we could see her. She went into surgery around 6pm and I didn't get to see her until 2 am. I tried not to worry too much during the surgery. Worry helps nothing. So, now the hard part is over and the tediuos part will begin. It is time to become disciplined in the art of eating properly and excercising regularly. My wife will be in the hospital for a few more days to recover and then she will be going to her parents for about a month or so. Her mother informed us very early on that she would be taking care of her after surgery. I'm very happy for her that she has the family she does. She wasn't alone for very long while she was at the hospital all week. Someone was always there. Whether it be her sister or her mother. I don't think my family would be the same, unfortunately. The support in this family has always astounded me. Hmm, maybe I can get my wife to start a blog for her recovery and her adventures in our new lifestyle.

On a side note. I made my big withdrawal today from my poker bankroll. At the time of the withdrawal my Bankroll was at $5500. I withdrew $2500. I'm getting about $550 from rakeback so I am looking forward to getting my bankroll back up and will be planning my "quit my job" plan soon.

thanks to everyone for the support.

Another Update

Well, yesterday was a very sad day. The doctor told my wife that the numbness she is feeling is probably going to be permanent and they are HOPING to be able to do surgery that will enable her to be able to control when she can use the bathroom. The thought of having to go the rest of our lives with her not being able to control her bladder was very grim and depressing news. She was scheduled for a lumbar puncture (sp?) the next day. They wanted to get a better view of her back.

After doing the test today, which my wife said was the most crippling and painful thing she's ever been through, they seemed way more optimistic. Instead of just doing surgery to repair the nerves that control her bladder they are doing surgery on her discs to repair her back. Back surgery is never a guarantee but they seemed very positive that she would be healed. They are going to shave off some bone on 2 of the discs to create more space for the spinal fluid and they are completely removing the 3rd disc. With rehabilitation she should be able to be pain free and have full function of her back. The doctor did say that she will probably have lower back pain later in life though. As for the numbness they said that it could take up to 18 months for that to go away but, it's not a guarantee that it will. They didn't mention the bladder control, which hopefully is a good thing. She is due for surgery on Thursday.

Thanks to whodat and MO for the kind words. I also know others are reading this blog, thank you all for ur support and love. This is a turning point in both me and my wife's lives. The outcome of the surgery will determine our future. scary.

I'm so deep.
:-)

Update

Come to find out my wife has (they think) a urinary tract infection. However, it became really severe because she has no feeling in her pelvic area. She hasn't had much feeling since she re injured her back a few months ago. They said because of this, she didnt feel the infection and so by the time she felt it it was very bad. Also, the MRI revealed that she has a new herniated disc. For those keeping score at home, that makes 3. They were going to release her but after further review they decided that they wanted to make sure the disc didn't break onto one of her nerves. If it did, that could be the reason she has no feeling in her pelvic area. She is expected to be in the hospital for at least a few days. They likely wont do anything on Sunday and Monday is a holiday so she will be getting antibiotic treatments. Also, they haven't ruled out kidney problems, so we have to hear about that as well. I'm really impressed with this hospital. Everyone has been great and even though we were there for 21 hours before they told us what the problem was, at least they are willing to keep her there to make sure they're right. I've been to a few hospitals where I felt like they just really didn't give a rats ass. So, now it's just a waiting game. It's comforting to know that whatever her problems are, they will be fixed.

Been at the hospital all day

My wife has been at the hospital since 4:30 AM and they still dont know what's wrong with her. They have been focusing on her abdominal pain. We both thought it was just constipation from the medicine but apparently its a bit more severe than that. She has a lot of blood in her urine. She's had a CAT skan, an Ultrasound, Pelvic tests and they are about to do an MRI. I came home around noon to get some sleep and Im about to go back up there. This is so crazy. Another day another emergency room visit. I just hope that the problems get fixed today.

Sometimes, I just wonder

am i cursed? Is my life and those involved in it forced to suffer because of me? My wife called me while I was at work to tell me how much pain she was in and how she wanted to kill herself. She even went as far as trying to break a bottle to use. I didn't even know how to respond to this. I asked her to call her parents and see if they would help her get across the street to their house. So, she tried reaching them for over an hour and a half. She finally got a hold of them. She then called me from an ambulance that was taking her to the hospital. I am heading over there after work. Everytime something gets better, something else gets terribly worse. I feel helpless.